Cali drank the whole way here. I’m not even kidding. She flashed her tits at some poor woman who was so flustered by the sight that she didn’t ask for ID. Or maybe she was a lesbian. I don’t know, either way we now have a good hundred dollars’ worth of ten percent in the back and she got slowly sozzled. It took us two hours to get here and she made her way through a litre of something pink. She kept muttering about how she was gonna break the seal, and then when we were about a mile from Rockland, she hit the dashboard.
Me: “What?”
Cali: “Stop the van!”
Me: “Why?”
Cali: “STOP THE FUCKING VAN!”
Me: “Jesus Christ, calm down.”
Cali: “I’m gonna piss myself.”
Me: “Don’t break the seal.”
Cali: “I will piss on you.”
So I stopped and she stumbled out and crouched, just pissed right there on the side of the road with the empty bottle still in hand. For a moment it looked like she was gonna frig herself with it but she wasn’t quite drunk enough for that. Yet.
We get to the museum and she just looks at me.
“What the fuck?” She drops the bottle.
“What?”
She forgets what she was gonna say. “I need to pee.”
“Already?”
“I need to pee.”
There are loos right inside but she goes between the van and a bush, right out in the open. She gives me this loopy grin.
Me: “Better?”
Her: “Yeah.”
Me: “You coulda gone inside.”
Her: “I like pissing outside. I’m at one with nature.” She holds out her arms and looks at the sky like a fucking retard, twirling in a circle.
Me: “You’re fucking wasted, is what you are.”
Her: “I only had a bit.”
We go inside and there’s a hot guy at the desk. I swear to fuck, I’ve never seen so many sexy guys as when I’ve been with Cali. She’s a fucking magnet. She even touched his elbow when we walked past!
I think she’s too drunk to appreciate my little joke so now it feels kinda weird to be in a lighthouse museum, trying to fob Cali off as a bit special rather than hammered. I swear. We’re in the last room and there are only two other people in here and the aggregate age of the four of us must be two hundred at least, and Cali puts her arm round my shoulders and leans into my ear.
“I’m really horny.” It’s supposed to come out as a whisper and I suppose she succeeded, if she was in a pantomime. One of the old women looks as us. The other one’s deaf.
“That’s nice.”
“No, I’m really horny.”
I thought that wet patch was piss. She giggles and makes the weirdest fucking noise I have ever heard, which I can only describe as a mating call. She bursts into laughter and puts her hand between her legs.
“Oh my God, Cali! No!” I pull her out of the room, out of the building. On the way out, she tells the hot guy to fuck her and he looks interested.
Me: “She’s behind on her meds. Not up for fucking.”
Him: “Ok.” He sounds disappointed. I take her outside.
Her: “Fuck me.”
Me: “No. Sober up.”
Her: “Fuck me.”
Me: “For God’s sake, you’re absolutely smashed.”
I may not always be the most sane or sensible, but I’m not about to fuck my drunk best friend. I put her in her room and she hits the door.
“Fine!” she shouts. “I’ll just fuck myself.”
I think she did. At least, it sounded like she did.
God, I think she raped my ears.
YOU ARE READING
Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure
Teen FictionJoin Cali and Cae as they explore the vast expanse of the Americas, and the lovely platonic-yet-slightly-lesbianic relationship they have with one another. Bands, books, ice cream, and confusing British terminology are all conversations on the table...
