So Cae won’t shut the hell up about this guy. I think his name is Josh or something, I don’t fucking know.
But either way, as soon as I came in and started talking about Nick No Dick she got all preachy about it and how much she loves this guy:
Cae: “I’d never do that to Josh.”
Me: “Who the fuck is Josh?”
Cae: *blushes* “Oh... Um... Did I say Josh? I meant Macintosh.”
Me: “The computer.”
Cae: “Yeah.”
Me: “You would never break up with a computer because it has a small penis. That’s what you’re saying.”
Cae: “Yeah.”
Me: “You’re an awful liar. Who’s Josh? The guy you want to fuck?”
Cae: “Maybe. But I’d wait. I’m not a whore, like you. We have a really complex emotional relationship and I wouldn’t dare risk losing it over-”
Me: “Just... Shut the fuck up. Shut up. You would. You’d totally fuck him. Don’t lie. If he asked you if you wanted to, you’d drive this car at one-hundred and twenty miles per hour-
Cae: “Kilometers per hour.”
Me: “What?”
Cae: “Kilometers.”
Me: “Fine, whatever. Fucking kilometers per hour to wherever he was and fuck him right there.”
Cae: “No, never. I’d wait-”
Me: “Shut the fuck up.”
Cae: “Fine. I’d fuck him. I’d fuck him on a pool table if I had to.”
Me: “That’s good. The felt helps your back.”
Cae broke out laughing and I asked what was so great about him.
“Well, he’s really good looking and likes Neutral Milk Hote-”
“Get him.”
“What?”
“Fuck. Him. If you don’t I will.”
“Just because he likes Neutr-”
“YES JUST BECAUSE HE LIKES NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. JESUS, DON’T YOU HAVE ANY STANDARDS?”
“He also really likes Arcade Fire and really likes music. Really nice and funny, too. Like, once, he-”
“I give zero shits. Can I have sex with him?”
“No. He’s mine.”
“Then tell him.”
“He has a girlfriend.”
“Fuck the girlfriend. I mean, not literally, unless you’re into that. I’m sure he’d be into that, but I’m not-”
“Shut up. I know what you mean, and no. They’re happy, I’m not going to mess with that.”
I shrugged and drank from a bottle of scotch as I climbed into the front seat to drive away from No Dick Nick’s house.
“You’re such a wuss,” I yelled, as we drove away.
“You wouldn’t tell Nick for what, six years?”
“Yeah, and look how that turned out.”
Cae stayed silent as she climbed into the front seat.
“Good point.”
“I know. I’m full of good points.”
“Guys like making you full of good points...”
I yelled “AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” as we kicked up dust and drove off.
YOU ARE READING
Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure
Teen FictionJoin Cali and Cae as they explore the vast expanse of the Americas, and the lovely platonic-yet-slightly-lesbianic relationship they have with one another. Bands, books, ice cream, and confusing British terminology are all conversations on the table...
