Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure

A Day of Amusement (Cali)

So we just got back from Six Flags. I think Cae finally got all of the vomit out of her hair and eyes. Here’s a breakdown of all the exciting things that happened, in a long and list-y form because I’m too tired to actually write sentences:

1) Cae asks me if Six Flags is “that one place where they sell all the flags from different cultures.” I say no.

2) Cae, shortly after buying her ticket, manages to ruin it by not putting it in the protective case when we get on a water ride. She said that the protective case was, and I quote, “bullshit The Man puts in the ride to control you.” After a talk with management we learned that we could indeed stay in the park, but we could not leave and come back.  

3) We learn that Cae also ruined her phone by leaving it in her pocket on the water ride, and made plans to buy her a new one on the road. Fucking idiot.

4) I forget to get a map and we get lost in the park. Cae begins to hyperventilate because she’s a giant pussy.

5) We get on a rollercoaster, despite neither of us wanting to. We say it’s “for the experience.” Cae manages to make it even more fucking idiotic by saying it’s “for the bloody jollies, God damn it!” I consider punching her whilst in line.

6) Cae gets seated next to a hot guy on the rollercoaster because, like a bastard, she walked into another seating line when I wasn’t looking. He tells her everything will be okay and that he’ll hold her hand if she wants. Bastard.

7) I get seated next to a ten year old asshole who likes to make fun of me for crying like a bitch on the chain lift. They were tears of heroism, motherfucker. I was doing that for my PEOPLE.

8) At the top of the big hill the hot guy holds Cae’s hand and I hear her giggle. Motherfucker.

9) At the top of the big hill the asshole next to me tells me “not to shit myself” and I ask him where his parents are, and he says they’re up my asshole. On the way down I manage to slap him and make it look like my arm was just pushed into his face really hard from the force of the coaster. Nailed it.

10) Around the middle of the big loop, as I’m screaming like a bitch, I hear a noise that sounds like vomiting, and watch as Cae vomits not only onto the guy next to her, but has the vomit ricochet off his face onto her face. It was like a vomit orgy, and it made me very uncomfortable. The guy cried a little, I think.

11) Cae apologizes profusely as we get off the ride to the man beside her. He is silent.

12) The kid next to me makes fun of Cae as we leave, and I take the time to walk back to where he’s standing and slap him again, in front of the whole crowd. We run away before security comes over.

13) We decide it’s time to leave the park, but before we do Cae walks out of the gates before me and tries to get back in with her soaked ticket, to “show how their bullshit system is flawed.” She is not admitted back into the park.

14) I am forced to leave the park both by security for slapping a minor, and by Cae for whining like  a bitch outside the gates. I tell security that the park was shit anyway and that the trash museum in Connecticut was better.