-lucas-
"Riley still loves Lucas!" repeats over and over in my head in my best friend's voice.
These past couple months I watched Riley have a relationship with Charlie Gardner. I watched her leave study sessions telling us she had a date, I watched her text him and smile when I visit her bay window, I watched him look at her the way I do. It killed me. Charlie Gardner's existence took my heart out of my chest and crushed it. Only because Riley had made everyone believe that she liked him back.
I was in my own mess too. I still am. And it isn't fair that my feelings for Riley heightened even after being told we had a familial relationship in her eyes. But it did. I realized that I could not stand being without Riley Matthews. And girlfriend or not, I was determined to keep her in my life. Which wasn't entirely true. Because I wanted her to be my girlfriend more than anything I could possibly imagine. But she wasn't but I don't want it to be anyone else.
That night on the rooftop I realized that maybe I should give Maya a chance. Because in a perfect world, that's the easiest thing that could happen. But those words had erupted out of Farkle's mouth and that thought vanished with the night's fireworks.
Riley loves me? I wish it was that simple. I love her, she loves me. We'll live happily ever after. But of course, it's not.
Even though Riley and Charlie had talked that night and broken things off before the announcement, Charlie became upset with the news. And after ten minutes or so of me sitting in between the two best friends the world could ever have where no words were spoken, he came back to the rooftop. He was upset with her, and she was upset. Maya left to try and comfort her and I was left with my thoughts. Eventually, I went home without any explanation of anything that was said or anything that had happened.
And here I am, three days later, at the bottom of Riley's fire escape, debating whether or not I should go up and question her.
I climb the ladder with thoughts clouding my better judgement.
"Riley still loves Lucas!"
Once I got to the top, I tried to come up with a game plan. But as I look into the room and see Riley, all intelligent thought is gone, like the seventy other times I have gotten into this bay window before. I knew that all my thoughts would just come pouring out. Because this is Riley, and that's her effect on me.
"Lucas, hi," she interrupted my thoughts as she looked out of her window.
"Hey..." I hesitate but I sit in the space she makes for me anyway.
"You need anything?"
"You love me?" I blurted out.
"W-what?"
"You love me. Farkle said. Why did he say that?"
"Lucas. That's just Farkle being Farkle, he says things." I know she's lying. She's avoiding my eyes.
"Farkle is intelligent enough to know what he says. And you're intelligent enough not to lie, Riley. So tell me. You love me?" I question again and I just want to her say yes. I need her to say it.
"Of course. You're my friend, Lucas. I love you as my friend."
"Riley. Please. I can't take anymore secrets or lies or confusion. You're the one person I trust the most. I need you to tell me the truth." I look into her eyes and watch them water. She looks into mine, sees the desperation and looks away.
"Lucas. I can't. I can't hurt anyone. Especially not-"
"Maya." I finish for her and her teary eyes look back up to mine. She can't hurt Maya but she's hurting herself. She's hurting me.
"You were never my brother." She says softly to give me some relief, "I have never thought of you like that." And it did. I could breathe again.
"But there's so much at stake." She's looking down now, like she's reminding herself of this.
"Riley, nothing could ever happen to us." I put my hand over hers, "Nothing could ever happen to you and Maya. I might be as strong as a horse, but you and Maya? You're as strong as a bull." She chuckled at that and looked up at me.
"Look, Lucas, I don't want to ever lose you. I don't want to ever lose this. I always want to be able to talk to you, for the rest of my life. And I don't know if that's love, but maybe it is and that scares me. Because, Maya, she's the first person that's come in to my life that I've ever truly loved. And I never thought that we would change, but we are. So I know that we will too. And who knows if it's for the better or for worse?"
"Yeah, who knows?" I shrug at her and she gently pushes my arm and pouts.
"Riley, I once told you I'm worth it. And I know that everything is changing, but I hold true to that. Because I like to believe I am, because you believe I am. Once you stop believing in me, in us, I stop too. So this is your choice to take a chance on us or not and I'll respect your decision. Because I respect you," I took a deep breath, "and I love you."
Her eyes widened as she looked at me and her hands stopped fiddling with mine.
"You what? How could you possibly-"
"Love you? How could I not, Riley? You sacrifice anything for your friends; you're smart as hell; I could talk to you forever without getting tired; you're an amazing sister to Auggie; you reward yourself for doing good things; you're so kind and hopeful and amazing; you're pretty freaking beautiful; and God, there's more. But how could I not?"
"I'm not Maya."
"I know. It'd be real awkward if you were."
"Lucas. It's not me you love."
"Riley, I just confessed it to you. Who else would I love?"
"Maya. You love Maya."
"Yeah, she's great. I love her as a friend, Riley. But she's not you. Just forget Maya for like two seconds and just say it back. Please."
"Lucas," she closes her eyes, "I do. I love you."
"I know, Farkle told me."
