(based on the jexica&lucas text made by me on ig)
-riley-
I was stunned by what I had just read on my phone screen. There was no point in feigning innocence because my alter ego was busted. I don't know how I thought that people wouldn't figure out. I don't know how I thought Lucas would put it past him after months of him sneaking through the bay window and finding out every single thing about me as I did with him. Lucas knew me too well. Maybe more than I knew myself, let alone Maya.
I take a deep breath and put my phone and laptop away and looked up to see Lucas already outside of my window (which had been given a curfew by my father after many of Lucas' late surprise visits). I open it for him because I know that keeping something in will only make things worse for him (one of the many things I've found out about him).
"Knock, knock." He says as he sits by the opened window.
"You should have told me you were on your way, Lucas."
"But we were having so much fun pretending," he chuckles, "and I didn't want to risk having you invite Maya over too."
I bow my head in shame because I was guilty of trying to escape whatever was going on by having Maya with me. I knew that when she's there there's no way any of us would be hurt. At least that's what I thought until this whole thing unravelled to be the most confusing thing I've ever been through.
Lucas puts his hand on mine to get my attention and I end up meeting his mesmerizing eyes. I almost get so hypnotized by them that I forget where I am (like I always do).
"Look, Riley. I've been out here for way too long pacing and trying to figure out how to tell you what I've been wanting to say but everything I said to Jexica was true. I'm so tired of this whole thing and I know you are too."
"Lucas...-"
"Riley, I just need a couple minutes to ramble I'm sorry, but I'm going to explode. I wish I'd have said something sooner. I promise I didn't mean to hurt you, but I just don't know how to deal with all of this. You and Maya are so important to me and each other and I've never wanted to be in the middle of that. But I am, and I'm truly sorry. But, Riley, I can't keep doing this anymore." His voice softens as he speaks and I can just feel the pain surging through his skin through our hands. This almost makes me wants to quit altogether.
"What do you mean?" I look for any answer in the grey specs in his eyes but I can only see my reflection.
"I can't keep pretending that I can be just friends with you. I'm not Farkle. I can't love you and Maya the same. I tried but I couldn't. It's just... Maya's my friend, she's great. And God, I hate comparing you two because you're so different. She's Maya but you're Riley and I know you. I know that you think too much of what others think about you; so much that you have to make someone up to see if people will like you or not. I know that sometimes you think about what people say about you and it consumes you so much that you can barely think straight. I know that you wish that you can go back on the Coney Island Cyclone with your dad because it was one of your favourite daddy-daughter moments. I know that you don't know what you want to do after high school, but sometimes you think of how great of a lawyer your mom is and you wonder if you can do it too. I know that you've been dabbling with photography and you really like it and you try to take the most pictures of your Uncle Shawn when he's here because he was the one who gave you the means to start your hobby. I know that if you had more space on the walls of your room, you'd put up all of Maya's paintings and Auggie's drawings because they're at the top of the list of your favourite people in the world. I know that you miss your Uncle Josh and can't wait for him to move here because you need him to distract your dad from you and also become a brother figure because that's how he's always been. I know how happy you get when you see Smackle get comfortable with us. I know how much you regret judging Zay when you first met him because you care about him so much even though he always finishes your milk. I know that you're as frustrated with this as I am. But I don't know if I know enough about Maya."
"If I didn't have a point in saying all of this, you know I would have rambled on for hours about you. Because I know you. And I like knowing you so well even though I know there's more to know. I will keep finding things out about you. That's not the case with Maya. There was never a choice."
I feel my heart wrench every time he mentions Maya's name and I know he notices.
"I'm sorry. I wish this wasn't our situation. I never meant for this to happen. But Riley, I want you to know that you're always the first priority for me. I need you to know that."
He looks at my eyes to look for any emotion, but I couldn't look at him.
I take a deep breath, "I think I did. I knew that. But Maya. She's my first priority. And until I know that she'll be okay, then I can't act on anything I'm feeling. And I do. I feel so much for you, but I can't. Not yet."
The hurt in his eyes became so evident and I thought that my heart would already physically broken and bleeding out by now. And he looked down to avoid my eyes. I quickly move his face to look at me.
"I'm sorry too, Lucas. I know how hard this is for you, and trust me it's hard for me too. But I know that at the end of it all, we'll all be okay. And I need you to trust that we'll get through this. We both need to. Because we will. I believe that we will. We're Riley and Lucas."
He holds my hand that was still holding his cheek and nods.
"We're Riley and Lucas. We are my Pluto."
