Beautiful pain; Andy Biersack

Stay Alive

Warning: self harm and suicidal thoughts
Your thoughts become your enemies
When you're locked inside this cage
Life can feel dead to me
And all that's left is rage
Regrets for all the time we wasted
Thinking of ourselves
Holding onto pain you tasted
Living in this hell
~~~~~~~~
Finally the week was over and I was free.
I went to my locker to get my things when I received a phone call.
"Hello?" I asked. I never got phone calls
"Is this y/n?" A deep voice said through the phone.
"Yes,"
"Your parents were caught using illegal drugs and we would like you at the house as soon as possible," he hangs up and I'm stuck there frozen. How could they?
I quickly pack up my things, still in shock and start to walk out of the locker area. Andy's standing there. I don't have a car and I need to get home as soon as possible.
He's standing there watching me as I walk up to him.
"Drive me home," I say and he looks at me and nods
He grabs his keys and walks with me.
"I'm only doing this because I have to," I say to him, getting into his car
"Why?" He asks looking nervously at me.
"My parents were caught using illegal drugs and I assume they want to check me as well," I explain "have you been taking illegal drugs?" I ask smiling at him
"Aha no,"  he says laughing "I would never do that," he looks over at me and we don't say anything for a while.
We turn up at my house and I take a deep breath as I see all of the police cars.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" He asks
"No, I'm ok," I say, attempting to smile at him. I grab his hand tightly, which surprises him and me as well.
"Thanks for the ride," I say awkwardly letting go of his hand and walking into my house.
My parents are cuffed and on the couch with police surrounding them.

The police test me and it comes out as clean and we all get called in for questioning until it's 12:30 am and I can finally go home. They offer to take me home because my parents will obviously be staying in jail for a while.
I say no and instead call Andy. I don't know why but it feels right.
"Hello?" I hear a sleepy voice coming from the opposite end of the phone.
"Oh. Hi," I say "I'm sorry for waking you up but I was wandering-"
"Say no more, I'll be there soon,"
And soon enough he is.
He gets out of his car wearing grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt.
"Hey," he says
"Hi," and we walk to the car
"So what's happening?" He asks me
"I'm not exactly sure but I know I'm allowed to live by myself which is good,"
"Why?" He asks
"Because they never did much help anyway, they were always using my money to sustain themselves and I love them but they make my life really hard and I'm kind of glad, I know it's selfish but I'm glad that they can finally get help and get over themselves so they can have a better shot," I blurt out.
He just nods and taps his thumbs against the wheel.
"Why did you call me up?" He asks "of course I'm happy you did but I guess I was just wondering why...I thought you hate me," he trails off.
"I don't hate you, if anything I really like you. I just don't fully trust you yet and it's like that with any relationship I have had with anyone,"
"Well I'm willing to earn it," he says and I try to hide my smile.
"I'm sorry about last week," he says and I know he means it, "and for Wednesday," he says, I remember seeing him with her.
"Why me?" I ask
"I'm honestly not sure....your different ...your special. You haven't let the power of society strangle you and paint you black to make you like everyone else. Your special y/n. I see you standing next to everyone else and its if your painted blue and everyone else is grey. Life can feel dead to me...and all that's left is rage... But you make it better. You make me calm. I've never felt this way before. And I don't care if you hate me or not because even looking at you, making you smile is the best feeling in the world y/n and when I fucked up I felt so bad. I'm so sorry. I'm the fuck up here and I don't want to get you into my mess. Your already going through so much and I can't believe you actually want me to be in your life," and he's spilling all his emotions out to me and I can't help but want to as well.

~~
I walked inside my house, Andy following me in.
"Do you want me to stay over?" He asks, sitting next to me on the couch.
"No, I'm fine," I can't ask for his help. I can't show him that I'm weak.
"Are you sure?" He asks
"I'm fine," he looks at me with uncertain whether I'm lying or not "really you don't have to worry about me," I say laughing. That's how I deal with things.
"Ok, well I'll come over tomorrow if that's ok with you?" He asks raising an eyebrow
"Ok," I say smiling. But I don't feel the smile. I don't feel anything, even when he kisses me on the cheek to say goodbye.
I'm numb and that's all I feel, I feel nothing at all. I hate this feeling, it's so familiar to me, that's the thing. I know what to do to get this feeling away from me.
Don't.
But I want to so badly. I want to escape this godforsaken place.
I lock myself in my bathroom and sit there, staring at it.
Hours and hours I try to hold myself back. But eventually I fail.
I want to die.
I cut my self deep, too deep and there's blood everywhere.
I start to cry until eventually it gets too much and I faint, seeing the world blur around me.