The 100: Ways To Survive

Chapter 3: Guilty

Clarke

Octavia growled at Raven, "No, I won't calm down. He killed Lincoln. Like he killed those grounders. You blame Clarke for killing the Mountain Men, but she did that to save us," she then turned back to Bellamy, pointing at him, she snarled "You, you, Bellamy, you killed innocent people for no reason. You are the murderer. Clarke did what she had to, to survive. You killed because you're a monster," Octavia growled and then she stormed out of her room, Raven and Jasper following. I stared out the window and I heard Bellamy sit down on Octavia's bed. I turned around and I saw him, his head in his hands, tears falling down. I sat down next to him. My own tears threatening to fall. I put my arm around him and pulled him into me, his tears falling on my shirt. Everything was silent but his little sobs. One of my own tears escaped, I quickly wiped it away.

"She's right you know," Bellamy said, his voice cracking.
"No, she's angry," I told him.
"Don't. Don't defend me," Bellamy lamely said and he looked at me, his eyes red with tears, "she's right. I killed those innocent grounders. I killed Lincoln," Bellamy shouted and then he stood up and started walking into his own room.
I followed and argued, "Pike killed-"
Bellamy sat down on his bed, "No. I killed him. If I didn't go with Pike, if I didn't-"
"Bellamy, you saved her in the end, you did the right thing," I tried to comfort him, sitting down with him.
"Too late," he weakly said, looking at the floor.
"She'll forgive you. She's just angry, like Jasper, like Raven," I sadly said, remembering about the pain I caused them. Remembering when I inserted the knife into Finn, my heart broke. I loved him, but it was the only way to stop him facing a much worse fate. Blood must have blood. Such a stupid saying. And the pain I caused Jasper, but I had to save my people. I had to rescue them. It doesn't make it hurt any less. And Lexa, I miss her. She's all I think about, her dying on that table because her own people shot her. It's funny, Murphy actually helped for once.

"How do you do it?" He asked me, lifting his head to look at my eyes.
I looked into his and softly asked, "Do what?"
"Carry the guilt. Live with it. How do you stop seeing their faces at night?" Bellamy asked, his eyes lost and sad. I tightened up.
I firmly said, "You survive."
"How? And the dreams? And the guilt? How do you survive? How do you sleep at night without seeing their faces? How do you look in Jasper's eyes? Raven's?" Then he sighed and threw his arms up in frustration, "How do I look at Octavia?"
"You, You apologise, you tell them you regret it. And you never hurt them again. And the dreams, you deal with them. Eventually it gets better and better for them and for you," I told him and he looked at me and nodded.

This is the first time we've spoke since I left. Since I left him alone, maybe if I didn't leave him, none of this would have happened. I was a coward, I ran from everything. I couldn't bare to see Jasper's eyes. And now I face Bellamy's. He begged me to stay and I left him, I won't do that again. "I'm sorry," I apologised.
"Sorry? Sorry for what?" Bellamy mumbled, looking in my eyes.
I looked down, "I'm sorry for leaving you."
"It's okay. Don't worry," Bellamy said and then he stood up.
"No it's not," I said, standing up with him, "I shouldn't have left. You needed me and I left. I left because I was a coward I couldn't face Jasper's eyes and the blood on my hands. You needed me and I left because I was a coward."
"What's done is done. You lost Lexa."
"You've lost people too," I firmly said and then he pulled me into a hug and suddenly tears fell from my eyes. First my dad, then Finn and now Lexa. He wiped away my tears. "I've missed you," I mumbled.
"I've missed you too," he replied and suddenly my lips were on his. The kiss was salty with tears. He slid my jacket off, and lifted my top off, I lifted his off. He kissed me harder. And pushed me gently onto the bed. We were kissing and kissing. He grabbed my arms above my head. His hands traced my rib cage, my hands in his hair, pulling him closer. Then the tears came back again. He pulled himself up. I sat up with him. "I miss her," I sobbed, "I miss her so much. I can't do this right now, I'm sorry," I told him, looking into his eyes.
"It's okay, I understand," Bellamy told me and then he pulled me into a hug.