The 100: Ways To Survive

Chapter 27: Killers

Clarke

Rose released Clara and gave her a shove forward and I watched them walk into the forest with Murphy. Jasper walked passed us and went to sit with Octavia. Bellamy sighed and turned around, heading for the lake. I half-ran to catch up with him. "Mind if I join you?" I asked once I'd caught up with him.
"Sure," Bellamy shrugged, not looking at me. We silently walked towards the lake, the only sounds came from branches under our feet, the sound of the crackling fire and the hushed whispers from Octavia and Jasper.

We reached the dark blue lake and Bellamy bent down, I watched him gather small, smooth pebbles in his hands, he had about ten. "Hold out your hands," he instructed and I did as he said, he placed half of them in there, his skin brushing against mine. I looked at his hands and mine, they were both filthy, covered in mud, even under the nails. His palms had dry skin, but he hadn't been picking at it. The rocks were slightly damp in my hands, but really smooth. I guess eventually after enough chipping, rocks become smooth and find their peace. Bellamy turned to the lake and he threw one of the pebbles, it bounced along the water three times, causing ripples until it sunk.

"Where did you learn to do that?" I quietly asked, amazed at his skill. I tried to throw one myself, but it just sunk.
"It's called skimming," Bellamy answered, not looking at me, but out at the water as he launched another pebble, "I taught myself, people used to do it," then he looked at me, and shook his head, "it's not hard to do."
I threw another stone, and again it sunk, I lightly laughed and shrugged, "Well, I can't do it."
"Because you're doing it too aggressively," Bellamy sighed, watching the lake as he threw another, and then he continued to watch as I threw another, again just sinking. Bellamy sighed and then said, "You're hopeless."
"Thanks," I sarcastically said. Bellamy looked at me, his big brown eyes, they looked sad and tired, bags under them from lack of sleep. His brown curly hair greasy.
"I'll show you," Bellamy told me, sighing and then he came and stood behind me. He took hold of my right arm, my throwing arm. He stood me sidewards, my left foot at the edge of the lake. He grabbed my arm and gently pulled it back, "It's easy, Clarke, you just gotta be gentle," he softly said and then he moved my arm forward and medium speed and then I let go when he told me to. I watched my pebble ripple once, then twice and finally thrice. I turned to face him smiling and laughing, "That was amazing!" I pulled him into a hug. His arms around my back, mine around his waist. The laughter gradually died down and soon I started crying, and I have no idea why. Laughter turned into sobs. "It's okay," Bellamy whispered into my hair as he stroked it. My tears soaked his shirt.

"She's gone!" I sobbed, "she's gone! I loved her and she's gone." My heart hurt. Lexa is gone. We've been planning our next move for so long, I haven't had time to stop and think. Think about everyone I've lost. "Everyone's gone," I sobbed, "everyone... Wells, Finn, Lexa..." I sobbed and I held onto Bellamy so tight, like I was hanging on for dear life. He was the only thing keeping me up. "They're all gone."
"It's okay," Bellamy said, his voice hoarse, as if he was holding back tears himself. I moved my head to look at Bellamy and he wiped my tears with his hands, his own eyes were watery. I realised, he was as fragile as me. Bellamy pulled me back into his chest. I managed to calm my breathing, it felt like it was just us two, in the whole world. I listened to his heart beating and his breathing, soothing me.

Minutes passed and then I croaked, "What was she like?"
Bellamy cleared his throat, "Who?" He croaked.
I moved my arm and fiddled with a piece of hair, his arms still securely wrapped around me, his chin resting on my head. "Gina," I mumbled.
Bellamy pulled away, and then he shook his head as he sat down, crossing his legs, he fiddled with some grass at the edge of the lake. I sat down beside him, my legs crossed too.
"Um, she, er," Bellamy stammered, looking out at the lake, the moon reflected off it, I stared at his face, at his lips, "she was smart and funny... she always saw the light, even down here," Bellamy looked at me and firmly said, shaking his head, "she didn't deserve to die."
"None of us deserved this," I mumbled, shaking my head.
Bellamy looked at the lake, I focused on his face, he sighed and shook his head, "It should've been me."
"No it shouldn't have been-"
"It should have!" Bellamy half-snapped, looking at me, fury in his eyes, and then he turned back to the lake,  "I'm sorry for snapping, but it should have. Murphy should've killed me when he had the chance. I should've been stabbed, not Gina. I should've died a thousand deaths, not Finn. You should've let me shoot myself."
I shook my head, and placed my hand on his forearm, he looked at me, and I shook my head, "No. I was once told, the things we do to survive, don't define us. You did what you had to. And we are both to blame for Murphy."
Bellamy looked me in the eye and bitterly said, "If I never kicked that bucket, Charlotte wouldn't have died, an innocent thirteen year old girl, dead because of me," Bellamy's jaw clenched, "I killed three-hundred and twenty people on the Arc, and that's just for starters. Tell me how that was survival? Those people died because I was selfish."
I shook my head and looked at the lake, looking at the small waves, and then I defended him, "You didn't know that they were going to die."
"Okay," he angrily nodded, and then he stared at me and angrily said, "I might have not known about them dying. But what about the grounders?"
I remained silent.
"See, I slaughtered an innocent village because I was pissed off," Bellamy snapped, and then he looked at the lake and sadly said, "I'm a monster, Clarke. A monster," his voice broke and I saw a tear roll down his cheek, he quickly wiped it away. I pulled him into a hug, and Bellamy cried, "You say that the things we've done to survive don't define us... but how come we won't hesitate to kill anymore? We kill without thinking. We're not afraid of the people we will kill to get out of here." Bellamy turned and looked me in the eye, tears flowing from his, "This is who we are now... killers."