Un-Like-Me Enemy.

Chapter Sixteen: A harsh reality

Chapter Sixteen: A harsh reality


I abruptly wake up with an intense feeling of nausea taking over. I felt so alone as i sat there clutching my stomach as tears began to fall defiantly. It happened again. He managed to squirm his way into my dreams, turning what was supposed to be my world of fantasy into a world of pure abuse. I hated how he still manages to destroy me a little, I can't stand that he still makes me feel anything when I think of him. My tears are just an expression of my inability to control myself - I'm weak ...


*~FLASHBACK~

"Shhh my little one. We don't want anyone to ruin our precious time together"
"But why daddy? I don't want to leave mummy out"
"Mummy is busy, she doesn't have time for you, unlike me. Your my special little girl...I'll always have time for our moments together. Remember mummy will take these moments away if she finds out. Then you won't have a daddy."
"No! Daddy I'm sorry! I promise I'll never tell mummy! I love you daddy...please don't leave me."
"Shhh little one" he whispered wiping away the innocent tears that ran down my little pink cheeks. "Tears show weakness. Don't be a stupid. Don't be a weak excuse for a human. Don't take after your mother or I will leave you."
I was so confused. Why would he leave? What's wrong with mummy? "But I love mummy too...mummy is perfect!"
He growled in frustration "fine! Cry! Your pathetic!" He stomped away and slammed my bedroom door shut causing even the hinges to shake in terror.
I cower, instinctively adopting the foetal position on my little pink bed and began to whimper...I began reciting the words that I have heard daddy say so many times, they come so easily now they are ingrained in my memory; 'it's all my fault...I upset daddy again. I'm such a meany'.*


I remorsefully removed the bed sheets that ensured my warmth and threw them on the floor in anger. Sitting on the edge of my bed I rubbed the sleep from my eyes demanding my senses to waken with haste. Looking at the clock on my bedside table it flashed two O'clock In the morning as if mocking me. I grunted and stumbled towards the bathroom, flicking the light switch on before supporting myself on the sink basin. For a second I just stood still to allow my body clock to adjust to the rude awakening, listening to the soft sound of water flowing from the cold tap. I splashed some water on my face and cupped my hands under the stream gathering a small puddle, then alike a wilderness survivor i slurped the cool liquid to quench my thirst.

After managing to make my way back into bed with the once deposited sheets rightfully back around me, I reached for my phone to text the one person who would be ok with me disturbing them at this time. After talking to her last night about it all and how I feel when I'm with Luke has obviously reminded my conscious psyche of things that I've tried to forget. Things I've tried to bury. You see it's all a bit like a can of worms and now those putrid worms are spilling out into my dreams.

'Hi R...I'm sorry but it happened again. Are you awake? F xx'
I waited staring hopefully at the screen...after three minutes of loneliness I felt better once the dull screen was illuminated by an incoming text.

'Its ok, I'm here. Listen F it was just a bad dream. We both know that it will never happen again, I'm always going to be there to protect your heart. I love you, try and get some sleep by thinking of happy thoughts...like us going on holiday to Ireland and discovering a land of hot leprechauns! You are amazing and have come so far so don't let this knock you back. Sweet Dreams, R xx'

And that was all that I needed to hear. Confirmation of my thoughts, reminders of my reality and support. You see, Ruby is like a sister to me, and she may not know it but she saved me from becoming a recluse. Seen as I was a bad judge in character in the past, instead of giving up with forming friendships and relationships, in fear of my trust being broken or my nature taken advantage of, I gave that duty to Ruby so much so that she even has to tell me what I think of myself sometimes. It may sound a bit selfish of me to have given her that responsibility but she asked for it - quite literally; In fact it was her idea to begin with!

'Thanks Hun...I'll talk to you later. Love you too F xx'

I laid back in bed remembering the day Ruby thankfully found out...

Closing my eyes allowing my mind to be filled with the memories and images of that day. They started off being a bit distorted but eventually ran into an even flow as if i was watching a movie. I remembered that I had left my diary open on my bed. At the time I was in the bathroom doing my makeup or something. I was angry at mum for letting Ruby in my room when I wasn't in there. I considered my room to be somewhere that only I could enter by this point in my life. Then i recall being furious at Ruby for reading the open pages of the book. In hindsight i know she was just curious and was entirely unaware that it contained just a couple of detailed incidents (such as nightmares and panic attacks) that had occurred within the last couple of days. That was the day; That was how Ruby found out about my dad.

I walked into my room and suddenly Ruby closed the book with glazed eyes. At first I screamed at her, I told her she had no right, it was an invasion of my privacy! Then I cried, feeling as if I would loose a good friend. Finally, I just sat still on my bed staring at the book that was filled with my pain - not moving or speaking. She sat there the whole time looking at me with sorrow and pity in her eyes, keeping quiet and processing the revelation. Ruby eventually got up from sitting next to me and walked round the bed. I closed my eyes not wanting to see her leave as I knew she wouldn't have ever come back to see someone as damaged as me. However, Ruby hadn't left. She was kneeling next to my side of the bed facing me and holding a packet of tissues. I was so confused, not only did she stay but she was the first person who reached out to me. We were at eye level, her brown eyes seemed so warm and genuine that I simply collapsed into her allowing her arms to cradle my body as I sobbed on her shoulder. We exchanged no words but it felt as if we had a deep conversation that meant the world to me.

That was the day Ruby and I became closer than ever, she was my confidant who relieved me of some of my bottled up emotions. That night we sat and talked till the early hours of the morning about some of the things she had read.

I had to cut myself short as It was late and i had a busy day coming up tomorrow. Ive only had one meeting with Julie and Vinny since i signed my contracts to brief me for my assignment and tomorrow at ten i would be having my first photoshoot. After placing my phone on charge, I slowly close my eyes allowing sleep to take over, ridding me of my brain's fatigue.


*********************

Awaking to the sound of Ruby dancing around my room seemed a bit odd, but that was nothing compared to the sight in front of me. she had successfully managed to remove almost every item from my wardrobe so it looked as if a bomb had hit my room in my sleep. I must have been tired not to wake up from the ruckus she was making, especially seen as even i have been buried beneath a pile of my once folded jumpers. Pushing some of the jumpers on the floor I arose as if a mummy from the dead, trying to hide my face from the sunlight streaming in through the window.

"Ugh what time is it?" I croaked out showing my body's dehydration.

I scout around the room finding Ruby sitting in my wardrobe with her head buried between shoe boxes and storage containers. "Finally your awake! It's seven. We need to talk before you go to work..." She rushed out sounding preoccupied with her treasure hunt.

"Ok...what are you looking for?" i ask in-between a yawn.

"That diary you used to keep... I was thinking that if the nightmares are back then obviously it's something you have been through. We can look at the date reference and then see how many other times you have had the same dream" she looked up at me feeling slightly defeated but hopeful that I accepted the plan.

"I don't know if that is going to help me. Anna told me to write them down and lock them away" I instantly felt even more exhausted as if my emotional baggage was suddenly strapped around my neck weighing me down.

"I know that's what Anna said. But she was your therapist and I'm your best friend. I know you better...and we tried it her way and it hasn't worked. I-I, I just don't want you to take five steps back after you have progressed so far". Right then reality set it. Not only was this affecting me but it was affecting Ruby and I hated more than anything that it's my fault.

I knelt down next to her and wiped a stray tear from her cheek "ok. I'll try it your way..." I stood up and make my way towards my desk to fetch my diary.

She sniffed "it's not in there Frankie - I've already looked" she admits.

I shake my head softly and lifted the lid on my desk. Meanwhile, Ruby had made her way over so that she was standing behind me watching where I'm looking. "You looked but you didn't see..." I whispered whilst I traced my fingers on a small engraving on the bottom of one of the inside draws. Ruby's face was painted with confusion, well that was until I pressed down firmly on the engraving which revealed a secret compartment.
I spoke softly over my shoulder "mum doesn't know where I keep it either... I had to hide it from her. I found her looking one day for it. If she realises everything that happened i-it...I don't think she could cope. she already feels so guilty and it's not her fault". Ruby nodded in understanding placing her hand delicately on my shoulder in a supportive gesture.

She chuckled and tried to lighten the mood "well...your just full of surprises". I face her and smile whilst placing the diary in her hands shakily before putting my desk draw back together.

I follow her path towards my bed and take a seat facing her. I watch with unease as she flicks through the pages, some are new to her and I can tell by her expression that it still shocks her. She pauses on a page and smiles weakly before handing me the open book for me to read, leaving me alone on my bed with the book while she begins to fold and put away my clothes. I stroked the pages of the book and then focused on the handwriting;

'July 2005:
Dear diary,
This time it wasn't too bad. I had a flashback from 2000. He had just left my bedroom and I'm currently left curled up in the corner. I know - pathetic really. I was just crying and repeating my mantra "naughty girl. Bad girl. It's my fault, not daddy's." I was rocking back and forth slightly and then I heard a crash downstairs. I made my way towards the door and peaked down the stairs and looked into the living room. Daddy had smashed a lamp. His fist looked a little red...I think it was blood.
I remember mummy wasn't at home this night. She was at a business conference all day and had to stay the night because her car broke down late at night. She had called me to say goodnight and to say she loved me and would be home soon. I didn't tell her I was scared to be left alone with daddy. I didn't tell her I needed her to be home. I didn't want daddy to be angry at me for telling mummy. I felt so confused.
This is the second time I've remembered this instance. I'll keep you informed but I'm just trying to remind myself that he can't contact me now.
S.O.S
Frankie x'

I squeeze my eyes shut momentarily blocking out my uprising anger. I didn't want to take it out on Ruby that would be too unfair. I'm sick of crying over it all and now I'm just angry at him.
"Ok Ruby, I've read it...now what do I do?" I look to her for help.

She smiles reassuringly "now you will write down on a scrap piece of paper how you remember how you felt and how you feel now. Then we will take it outside and bury it somewhere".

I liked the idea, I really did but if this was to work then there was a problem. It would be as if I'm hiding a dead body in my garden and I don't want him to have the satisfaction of tainting my new life."if we are burying it I want to do it somewhere away from me... Maybe we can throw it in the river opposite the park?"

"That's brilliant! Then we can watch it float away...I think it has poetic justice" she beamed while she put the last of my clothes away.

"Ok, I'll get ready, we will go send it off, then can you drop me at the agency for 9:30?"

"No problem-oh!" She stated as she began pairing and organising my heap of shoes.


After ten minutes I had finished writing the note and signed it and padded over to my wardrobe in which Ruby was currently finishing up. I handed her the note and then chose out a white vest top, a black jacket, some light blue jeans and a tan braided belt.
I laid the items neatly on my bed then proceeded to grab a towel.

"I'm just going to have a shower and I'll get dressed. Can you find out my tan brogues please ...and if you want you can read the note". I was fine with Ruby knowing everything, she pretty much does anyway so this just solidifies any number of emotions she ought I had.

I dashed towards the bathroom, securing the door after me and quickly showered. Within a matter of minutes I was feeling smooth, fresh and wide awake ready for the day ahead. I wrapped the towel around my body and returned to my room to get dressed. Ruby wolf-whistled as I entered the room "well hell-o hot stuff!"

I curtsied and giggled "thank you m'lady". I continued into my wardrobe pulling on matching nude coloured underwear suitable for my shoot and layered the rest of my clothes on.

"I'm ready - let's go!" I announced putting my hair up into a messy ponytail.

"I've got the note... To the pea!" Ruby mimicked my level of enthusiasm.

I chuckled before collecting my handbag and phone then shut my door after us. "Bye mum! We off out - Ruby is dropping me to the shoot. Love ya!"

A faint muffled voice came from the kitchen "ok, love you too!"


******************

Currently standing next to me is a slightly disheveled Ruby. As soon as we got to the river she was so excited about our plan that she ran from the car, across the park and typical over-active uncoordinated Ruby fell arse over tit down the embankment into the river. I had made the quip that i was supposed to send the note down the river, not my best friend...but for some reason she didn't see the funny side. I however found myself hilarious and was biting my lip to contain my laughter as I carefully helped her up onto dry land.

"Ready?" She asks with a slight snap in her tone.

"Now or never..." I smile then clear my throat as I make a small speech; "hello universe...so I've been through some stuff. Bad stuff. It's taken over me and affected my life. But today this particular memory will be forgotten. It wont affect me any longer as i am maturing and recognising that it wasn't my fault. Today that memory will die. I am stronger now. Sooo...bye...I guess?" I looked at Ruby to see if I had said the right thing and she nodded in acceptance before adding one last thing.

"P.s...universe...please tell the bastard that he can suck it. Then make his life living hell if possible. Amen." She winked at me and then gestured for me to finish our little ceremony.

I laughed a little throwing the note in the river and watched it float away. A gust of wind swept around us causing a little cherry blossom from a nearby tree to whip around us then land into the stream following suit of the note. I smiled thinking that it seemed as if the universe had also laid to rest the memory, as it appeared to me as if the cherry blossom symbolised flowers on a gravestone.

Ruby grabbed my attention by linking our arms together and pulling me back towards the car. "Come on Frankie, I don't want you to be late today...but I'm proud of you". I nodded and willingly walked away from the river admitting to myself that i agree entirely with Ruby; I'm proud that for once I didn't look back.

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so? what do you think? was it a good twist? 

it makes you wonder where her dad is now, what happend to him, what else is written in the diary etc...
Also new character Anna to consider [her therapist] !

Hope you enjoyed this chappy :)
Thank you for reading :D
F, V & C!