Damaged » h. styles au

Chapter 42 - Kirsten

                                                                  42.  

                                                           ●•Kirsten•●

I woke up all on my own, feeling nothing but the thin sheets over my body. And when I say nothing but that, I mean absolutely nothing. Tyler wasn’t there, as usual, and my clothes were still on the floor. My head wasn’t aching, but on the other hand, the rest of my body was dying to not move at all.

During the past weeks I had a lot to fix, considering how many broken things I had scattered on my floor. Also, Tyler and I had a lot to catch up… On our bed, under the sheets. Every day after he came home from the gym, he’d take me to the room, we’d have some fun, and then he’d go to shower while I made dinner. No dialogues, no anything but our bodies.

Let’s say he’s not the gentlest, so I’m kind of knackered. I feel so tired I’m pretty sure I’d be able to sleep something like a whole week in a row. How’s that even possible? I wish I knew, but thinking sounds too hard of a work for me to do. I honestly don’t need more.

Lately I’ve been doing everything. Or at least that’s how it feels like. Suddenly everything is a mess again, and I can’t get a break. The more I do, the more I have to. When I’m just finished with the laundry, the basket of clothes is full again; I go grocery shopping, and one day later we’re nearly running out of food; I finish washing the dishes and a new dirty glass shows up; I sweep the whole house, but when I come back to where I’d started, there’s dust everywhere; when I get to sit down and stop for a moment, I realize it’s already time to go to the club. What is going on?

Fine. I know I’m doing everything a thousand times slower than what I used to, but I’m tired, for God’s sake! My brain is overloaded with thoughts and it’s not being able to send the right commands to my other members anymore. It’s not like I can help it; I can’t force myself to get some rest. If I do that, things will definitely get out of control. I’m the balance of everything, and that’s a huge weight to carry on.

I can’t lie, though. I hate to admit that my whole mind is going insane because of that stupid guy. I do miss Styles. He’s damn annoying at times, but still, he relaxes me. And without him, I just feel like everything is exhausting. Tyler is exhausting, taking care of the house is exhausting, cooking is exhausting, and even breathing is exhausting. Now that I don’t have Lana and Angel around, things seem worse. I’m not used to the life I have since 8 years ago anymore. How can I suddenly stop getting used to what I’ve been doing for years? I can find no explanation for it. And I refuse to accept curly has something to do with it. He’s been on my mind a lot, true, but he can’t, and he isn’t the reason why I’m getting unused to my own routine.

Besides, it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t showed up in any ways. I may actually be having a hard time accepting he did, indeed, listen to me, and gave up once and for all, but I’m not disappointed. Nah-ah. I’m fine. I did what was supposed to be done, the right thing to be done on a situation like ours. I set an end to something stupid and childish that came up to ruin my relationship only.

I’m not disappointed on Styles because I have Tyler. I’ve always had. He might not be the best, but he’s perfect for me. No one else would bear with me the way he does. And trust me, I’m quite unbearable. Life works to keep its balance; good for good and bad for bad. No matter how much you try to change that, it won’t happen. You get what you deserve, and Tyler is what I deserve. He’s more than enough, to be honest. He has his issues, but they only complete mine.

There is no ‘Styles and I’, and there’s never been. I’m glad he finally realized that. It took him a lot, actually.

Wanna know something? Put all that bullsh–t aside. The reason why I haven’t slept well during all those three weeks; the reason why I’ve been so damn distracted and slow is because that jackass can’t leave my mind. I can barely face Angel, because I know she wants to ask me loads of things about her beloved Harry, and I can’t deal with that. Not yet. For some reason, I can’t see myself talking to the little girl about him because I am not freaking sure of how I am going to look or sound like.