Damaged » h. styles au

Chapter 36 - Kirsten

warning: this chapter needs to be rewritten. I'll work on it and as soon as I repost it, I'll let you know.

                                                                    36.  

                                                             ●•Kirsten•●

When I woke up I wasn’t on Styles’ room, but I wasn’t on the sofa either. And yeah, I knew it wasn’t his room because I had, well, kind of checked it out the night before, after I came out of the bathroom and while he was at the kitchen. I was just curious, and it ended up not being anything but what I had imagined: quite messy, not much, with no childish things like what his friends would probably have, not many pictures and, of course, more music sheets everywhere.

He spent a lot of time writing, composing, or whatever he called that thing he did with music.

I sighed, standing up against my will. My head wasn’t aching, because I didn’t get drunk last night, but I wasn’t feeling well. And I knew why: because I was a jackass. That’s why. Well, it kind of consoled me that I wasn’t the only one; Tyler was a jackass as well, and that’s why I acted so stupid yesterday. I regretted my actions, but I couldn’t undo them now.

Let’s face it; Styles is, indeed, a good kisser. A hell of a good kisser, to be fair. Those lips help a lot, and so do those hands, and his chest, which seems comfortable to rest my head in, and his smell, and… Well, you got it. But here’s the thing: it’s not going to happen again. I didn’t lie to him when I told him I was using him as a distraction. A distraction in which I may, or may not, have gotten too much into, but still, a distraction. I wanted to forget about Tyler’s words and the meaning each of them held, and Styles seemed to be a good idea.

Lana and Angel would freak me out with warnings and questions, and I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. But Styles wouldn’t do that, he would just… Distract me. And I was right. He got to take my mind off of my problems – in a way I should be ashamed of, though I wasn’t – and there I was, ready to face my reality again.

Walking outside the room, I soon found my way back to the living room; an empty living room that seemed lonelier than ever. How did he do that? How did he live all alone, waking up every single day and facing that silent room, filled with the lack of life and nothing but that? How did he get to come home after uni, or work, and realize there was no one waiting for him so he could share the things about his day?

I’m not saying I have that in my relationship – that would be the perfect kind of relationship, but mine is far from perfect – but I do have whom to count on. Angel spends a lot of her time in my place when I’m not at hers, and even when she’s not there, or even if my relationship is not perfect, I still have Tyler next to me on bed everytime I wake up; or almost that. Even if he ignores my feelings sometimes, he’s there, sitting on the sofa, letting me know that he’s there if I ever feel lonely. I do never wake up and face such emptiness as Styles seems to do every single day.

Maybe he doesn’t need that; maybe he has enough friends to supply his need of human contact. Maybe he’s sick of too much people around him, I can’t really tell. I don’t understand him, I don’t want to. I don’t even know why I keep wondering myself those things. It’s stupid to even bother my brain with those questions.

Wrapping myself in my own arms – a habit I have that I just can’t get rid of – I walked out the glass door on the living room, leading to a balcony with a sight that allowed me to see huge part of the town. I quickly peered inside through the glass, noticing it was still too early for anyone to be up. It was nearly 5:30am, and the sky was still too dark. The whole city was asleep, and the gray clouds wandered on the hugeness of nothing. A quite dark nothing, if I may say so.