When Bad Girls Fall In Love

Chapter 41 --- Solitude

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I’m not ok.

I tell myself I am—for several days I’ve kept that as a mantra . I started to question the existence of love, like I started to question the existence of stars.

Why do stars seem to shine so bright, when it is still young; like unconditional love between two lovers. And why does it end, like a massive supernova - and leaves a black hole on the person who valued it the most?

I say, “I can do this"  but reality just set in and I realized I can’t.

But I know, I can’t go in with an attitude like that. I have to know that I can-- I can do this. I can have my knee cut open, everything repositioned, screwed into place, and then sewn back up.

I can do that. I can and I will. Not because it is my only option, but because it is the only option that will work.  It’s time to heal. Time to move forward.

I have had plenty of ups and downs in my life and made a lot of mistakes. I also did some things right. I'll tell you a little about my life. These past few weeks, I have been stuck in the middle. Not only between my head and my heart, but between you and another.

It has not been easy, not in the least.  It is not easy for one to blindly put their heart into something when the outcome is uncertain. .

If put into words and compiled into one book, a lot of readers might have a hard time relating to my life.

I’ve had these thoughts I wish I could do away with. I’m afraid to give into them because I know they will completely & utterly consume me.

I know that if I entertain these thoughts, they will drive me mad.  Therefore, I’ve been trying to occupy myself with other things so that won’t happen, and not give in whenever the smallest little detail may pop into my mind.

But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, it finds a way to creep up on me.  Sometimes visions blind-side me, and sometimes these unpleasant thoughts unfairly invade my dreams.

A little bit of me has slipped away every day. I cannot be myself though. This is not in my control. All I can do is wait. but I am tired of waiting.

I told myself I would live this month one day at a time.  It lasted all of 3 days.  I can’t live for today when I don’t enjoy today.


 I post a status on facebook, in the “what’s on your mind" box, and people get worried, they ask how am I am, tell me I need to smile, even send me personal messages. But I post a good, happy status, and there isn’t much response, unless someone is tagged in it.

I had revelled in the isolation of the little cottage on the rugged hillside overlooking the sea, only venturing along the coastal path to the little port of Frankfurt for lunch in the fabulously named "The Wrecker's Wench" pub.

Built as a safe harbor in the days of the wreckers and smugglers a couple of centuries previously, it was a small fishing and tourist port now, and in truth relied mostly on the latter.