Just Run

Chapter 34: To Be Okay.

Chapter 34: To Be Okay.

The look of relief and the smile that spread up his face and lit up his eyes, was enough to tell me that this had been the right move to make.

I walked down the stairs, taking in the cavern underneath the house, which I could imagine may have been the store or servants quarters at one point.

"This house is amazing" I smiled, changing the subject to something neutral for us both.

He nodded, "It's been in our family for generations, right back before it was ever like this. I think this is actually the 4th or 5th manor to have stood here, where generations have added or completely redone the layout" He smiled.

I walked over to the bench and picked up the tape, before turning to hold it up to him.

"Give me a go?" I asked.

He frowned then, walking forward and taking my small hand in his.

"No, too delicate" he chucked brushing a finger over my smooth skin.

I pulled it back; "Fine" I shrugged before pulling off the tape and trying to wrap my fingers together myself.

Charlie sighed, "Like mother, like daughter" he shook his head, seeing my questioning frown, he smiled, "stubborn" he answered taking my hand and the tape before restarting my bodged job.

Once complete he picked up the gloves, "Have you done this before?" He asked.

I shook my head as I pulled them on, holding up my fists in a stance I'd seen on TV. He chuckled and held up the pads.

I threw a few punches, before dropping my hands to my knees, tired already.

He smiled, "it helps if you try to focus on something that drives you, gives you that stamina." He must have noticed my confusion, "Alternatively you could just focus on someone you'd like to hit" he laughed.

I pulled myself upright again and took a deep breath. Closing my eyes I brought my body down again into a strong stance, starting to hit out. I let the burn in my arms drive the anger that had built up inside of me, as tension I didn't know I had was being released in a moment of emotional release.

"Whoa, whoa there champ" a voice that seemed so distant called to me. Next thing I heard the whoosh of air being forced out of a body, as my glove landed into something softer than before. It made me hesitate, giving the person time to enclose their arms round me and practically tackle me to the floor.

Charlie rolled onto his back, trying to regain his breath on the cool mats. "Thought you said you'd never done this before" he chuckled before getting up and offering me a hand. "Take it I was the one you wanted to hit" he grinned.

I shook my head, "Actually....no" I smiled, taking the hand gratefully.

He scoffed slightly whilst smiling as if he didn't really believe me. "I think I'm going to go get some cold water from the fridge, do you want some?" He asked.

I nodded and he proceeded to leave the room. Now alone I took a chance to look around. I pulled off my gloves and walked over to a punch bag hanging in the one corner. I pushed with my fist curiously, before taking a deep breath and focussing on the person I most wanted to hurt. It was liberating feeling my almost bare fists plunging into the sack before me.

I never even noticed someone was watching me I was so focussed. Tears started to blur my vision, not only for the pain but the anguish that was coming pouring out, forcing me to only hit harder until I could go no further. As I hit the mental wall I collapsed against the bunch bag, clinging on for dear life as if holding onto everything I'd never want to let go of. Suddenly, two recognisable arms caught me, cradling me in their lap as they held me tight against the cosy chest I'd been in anguish about.

My weak attempts to push away were overridden easily as Zander of all people provided the comfort I needed at that moment. He spoke soothing words which slowly stopped my blubbering until just the hiccups remained.

"Kat, I am sorry, I just want you to know that. I know you won't believe it, but I have to at least tell you. I can't imagine what you've gone through, and ever since I first saw you on the train that time I knew you were a broken shell of the girl you should have been." He whispered whilst rocking me gently as if I were a baby, and to be honest, in the state I was in, I felt like it.

After a few moments my senses returned and now, embarrassed at my outburst, I got up turning away from him.

"Kat?" He asked, but he would never get my response as it was in that moment Charlie returned with a jug in one hand and glasses in the other.

He frowned as he saw us together, "Zander, you aren't bothering Kat again are you? I think you've done enough so far" he growled, taking in my puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

I looked at Zander, he looked so sad. It must have been that knowledge that made me say what I did next.

"I was j..." He started to defend himself when I spoke louder.

"He was coming to apologise. We talked out our differences, hence the tears" I faked a giggled slightly as if throwing it off as nothing.

Charlie didn't exactly look convinced, but it seemed to end that train of thought as he just shook his head and went to pour the drink he held. Zander followed to grab a glass, but I stayed where I was, suddenly acutely aware of a stinging spreading across my knuckles and on inspection, realised that underneath the tape my skin was incredibly sore, bruising starting to show along with welts starting to bleed where my nails and the tape had dug into my hand. The pain was intense as I tried to unfold and unwrap my hands.

Charlie looked round to offer me a glass, but put it quickly down and rushed to me on seeing my distress. He sighed and told Zander to fetch the first aid kit as he took my hands gently into his.

"I told you your hands were too delicate" he sighed, "I can't believe you went this far! You must really hate someone" I looked up at Zander as he brought the bandages, but didn't respond. Much to my protest, Charlie insisted on bandaging my hands and then giving me a cold pack to reduce the bruising.

When I finally managed to have a drink, it was so wonderfully refreshing after such a workout both physically and mentally.

Later that evening, I found myself once again sitting in front of the window, but this time the darkness outside caused the panes to reflect myself in its polished glass.

I didn't care much for the face that looked back at me, the dark sunken eyes and pale face someone I no longer recognised. I wish that, in all the lectures about growing up and songs about time healing, that someone had mentioned about how long it would take.

I certainly didn't feel grown up and time, well.....time was something I had no awareness of anymore.

I reached over and clicked off the table lamp that was lighting the room. With the darkness now in every corner, the window no longer showed my refection and I could, for just a moment, pretend that it wasn't real. Right now, I could be anyone, looking through a window into another world. I looked up at the bright star's beautiful sadness in the clear night's sky.

"Mum, Mummy, I think I'm going crazy. Please, just tell me it's going okay this time."

Best wishes, MillaB x

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up.                                                   And you come through.

It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."   -Anne Lamott