Torn

35.

Josh's Point of View

     The minutes seemed like hours.  I paced back and forth in the sterile waiting room.  How long do these things normally take?  I ran my hand through my hair and sighed.  I continued to pace the small space.  Pacing felt like doing something at least when I felt like I could do nothing.  I looked for a clock.  None.  They probably did that on purpose, not putting a clock in the waiting room so that people like me could not obsessively check it every five minutes.  I pulled out my phone to check.  thirty minutes had passed since Mila had been whisked away.  God, it felt so much longer.

     Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the doors opened and the surgeon stepped out.  I tried to read his expression as he walked towards me, but he had none.  He pulled his surgical mask off and shook his head.  Fear crept up my spine.

     "Well Doc?  How is she?"  I crossed my arms in front of my chest and awaited his response.

     "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but we lost Mila during surgery.  She did indeed rupture her uterus, but by the time we got her into surgery and got the baby out....  She had lost too much blood.  We tried to transfuse her, as well as preform a full hysterectomy in an attempt to stop the bleeding.  Unfortunately, our efforts were in vain.  She just lost too much blood too quickly.  We lost her on the operating table.  I am so sorry."

     "Wait, what?"  The surgeon shook his head sadly and patted my arm. 

     Gone?  How could she be gone?  No, this was impossible.  This had to be a misunderstanding.  I didn't know what to do or think in that moment.

     "You have a boy."

     "What?"  The doctor's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

     "A son.  Your baby is a boy."

     Tears filled my eyes.  Mila had been hoping for a boy.  A nurse slipped past the surgeon with a tiny bundle in a blue blanket.

     "Josh?  This is your son.  He is a bit tiny due to being born early, but otherwise he is healthy.  He is able to breathe on his own, we just have to take him to the NICU for observations.  You can come on up whenever you are ready to."

     I glanced at the tiny baby that she held in her arms.  For a brief moment, the baby opened his eyes and what I saw stopped me in my tracks.  This tiny wonder looked so much like his mother it was eerie.  He was beautiful.

     The nurse smiled at me briefly, then her look changed to one of solace.  "I'm so sorry for your loss."  She looked 

down at the floor and then continued on to the NICU.

     The doctor patted me on the shoulder, hung his head and walked back into the operating room.  I was left alone standing there in the hall.  Tears formed in the corners of my eyes.  All I wanted was to hold Mila in my arms one last time and tell her that I loved her.  She was gone, and it felt as if my entire world was crashing down around me.  I took a deep breath and headed out to the parking lot to make the necessary phone calls.