HURRICANE

Issues

MAINE

I can't believe how easy it is to fake a smile while you're dying inside.

Basically, me.

I see myself on screen and although people applaud at my comedic antics, it's all just a cover up. They don't see my fears, my doubts, my anxiety, my brokenness - all of it unseen. I admit, I am a pessimist - I don't always see the positive side of things, but for me it's easier that way; so when disappointment comes, I won't be affected so much.

But being a pessimist is tiring; it takes a huge toll on me. But I like the work - because it gives me assurance that I'm not numb. I like feeling the pain of being broken.

Deep, noh?

Well, that's me.

It has always been this way, I guess. I got so used to it so much that I don't mind feeling this way at all. But, the disadvantage is, I tend to push people away.

//

I remember Miggy.

I remember myself when I was with him. I was happy, fulfilled, smitten.

I met him in high school. He wasn't the typical kind of guy most girls gush over. He wasn't tall, dark and handsome. He was timid and kind of geeky. Oh, and he loved books- all kinds. That's why I also fell in love with books and writing.

We clicked, and the rest was history.

Our relationship pushed through my college years. It wasn't easy because we went to different schools. But we made it work. Pero masyado yata akong nasanay - and it came to a point where I got bored.

I don't blush when I see him, my palms don't get sweaty when we go out on dates, I don't get butterflies when he does something sweet for me - anymore.

There were no sparks.

And I know it wasn't just me. He got tired, too.

I felt numb, and that was the thing I hated the most.

But no, don't get me wrong, I loved him, I still do; but not how I used to.

I miss him though, I miss us.

We just broke up earlier this year after all. Sometimes, I want him back.

And I still picture myself with him sometimes. And I can't help but think, what if I didn't let go?

//

Issues. So many issues, Meng.

Di ba dapat masaya na ako?

Quota na yata ako sa blessings ni Lord para sakin eh.

But I feel there's something missing that I can't put my finger on. It's a sinking feeling, na parang ang hirap bumangon. Not because I don't want to, but I feel like I'm perfectly comfortable where I am.

Weird.

4am musings.

Antok, dalawin mo na ako please.