Going To Be

Chapter Eleven - Lego House

Before we left LA Nick gave us his contacts list, and access to as much money as we needed. We began planning before even leaving to go home. The list of needs for the trip was endless and if it hadn't been for Daniel, it probably would have been useless. He interviewed the crew the day after we got back, he found the perfect super yacht a day after that; and all the while I just sat there like a painted garden gnome. Okay looking, but not actually good for anything.

"You look perplexed." Daniel mused as he ran his hands over the paper work in front of him "We're days away from leaving. Are you sure you're still okay with going?"

I turned to look at him, shocked he would even think I wasn't all in. His eyes immediately softened and he placed a hand over mine. "I didn't mean it like that Amb's, I just... I'm worried. Ever since we got back you've barely said a word."

I nodded, he was right. I had fallen into some kind of silence, and even I wasn't able to explain it. We had everything we needed. We had an actual chance in finding Jackson now, and that was what scared me; what if we didn't.

"I'm scared Daniel." I whispered. "I'm scared we will search the ocean and those islands and never find him. I'm scared of living without him. The only reason I have survived these past few weeks is because of you."

I looked at Daniel. His eyes were glazed over, he closed them and his head fell forward. "I feel the same way Amb's. I feel more than the same." He replied. He pushed the map out from underneath his hands and stood up. "Turns out I am still a shitty person." He grumbled exasperated.

"No, you're not. You're one of the greatest people I know and you're my rock right now Daniel." I frowned and wondered where this sudden mood change had come from. He stood up and walked away.

"Just don't make me out to be some kind of hero to you Amber. I'm not." I could hear the self-disgust in his voice.

"But you are." I whispered. "Against all odds you believed me."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew what I was thinking. You'd run away from me. You'd be disgusted by me." He replied. "You were once, why would this be any different?"

Had he lied about believing Jackson was okay? Was he just pandering to me? I shook my head, it didn't matter. He had been and was still here for what I believed when almost everyone else had given up. I walked across the floor and stood in front of him. "There is nothing you could say or do that would make me feel that way Daniel."

Daniel looked up at me and bit his lip. Before I knew what was happening he stepped forward and kissed me. All of the air sucked out of my lungs and left my body, the shock of the action left me feeling breathless and lightheaded. After weeks of being without the love of my life, I was guilty when for a moment it actually felt nice, because the physical closeness was something I so desperately needed. But Daniel wasn't Jackson and when I finally came to my senses I pushed him back, but gently. "daniel... I."

He shook his head. "It's okay, I know." His voice was merely a whisper.

"How long?" I whispered.

"Hana said she cheated on me because she thought I was hung up on you and it was a point of argument for us." He admitted. "I guess she was right. I never once thought I could compete with Jackson and I've never wanted to. But I have feelings for you."

The confession hung between us, and it honestly pained me that Daniel had felt unreciprocated feelings. I wanted to wash them away and let him be free. I wanted more than the ache of longing for him. I wrapped my arms around myself and tilted my head.