Going To Be

Chapter One - Alone

"Don't forget the auditions for the showcase are tomorrow! Do well and you could be invited to spend the next year in the NY Company of Dance." Victoria enthused. "I will be collating the groups along with George. You don't want to end up in one of the bigger groups. More people equals less visibility."

I frowned. I'd been off my game this week. Jackson had been away and it had been messing with my head. She looked at me specifically as she spoke, and I knew she was talking to me. The class dispersed and she walked across. "Amber." She said softly. "You've been distracted. I know Jackson is in LA, but you need to focus on your own dreams too."

"I know." I whispered. "I will."

"Well you were more fluid today. Let me guess, he's returning home?"

I half smiled, I hated that I was so transparent. "Yes."

"Honey, he's always going to be here." She took my hand and held it against my chest. "No matter what happens. He will always be in your heart. You need to take that, and dance with it; not against it."

I had used everything else in dance, all my anger and pain, but for some reason I hadn't been able to utilize any disharmony between Jackson and I. It was like without him I was missing a part of my rhythm.

"I'll keep that in mind." I murmured to Victoria. "I'll be ready for the audition tomorrow. I promise."

She nodded. "I hope so. See you tomorrow Amber."

"See you Victoria."

She walked across the room toward the door. I hung around and practiced my audition dance until my body ached. It was 5pm before I finally decided to pack it in. I'd waited as long as possible, because truth be told, the idea of returning to an empty apartment for yet another night hurt my heart.

I picked up my back and left the dance studio. I smiled as I walked out onto the courtyard amongst my creative peers, it was hard to believe that a couple of years ago I was living inside the darkness within. That this had all been an impossible dream. I'd grown so much, and now things were better than they'd ever been. I was in college, I lived with my boyfriend, and I saw my parents and adopted daughter all the time. The things that had once haunted me, were still there didn't control me like they once had. I'd learned to live with the knowledge that they had happened, but they weren't who I was. Not anymore.

Once I made it to the car I climbed inside. Jackson had been busy filming yet another video. Emperor had insisted on LA, because it was warmer there and the song was being prepped for a summer release. A week had seemed like an eternity, I just needed to see him, feel him and taste him before I went mad.

The drive home felt like it took an age, but I knew in reality that was only because I was so eager to get there. Once I'd parked my car I took the stairs to the third floor and unlocked the door. The place was as empty as when I'd left it that morning. I frowned as I dumped my bag on the sofa and walked across to the kitchen. I tried not to feel disappointed, but after a week of sporadic calls and skype, I was more than missing him.

I grabbed a bottled water from the fridge and opened it. I'd signed up for this when I'd fallen in love with a boy destined to be a rock star, so I swallowed back the sadness along with a mouthful of water. Dance had been brutal, I had probably been a little hard on myself. My bones already ached and it hadn't even been an hour since the class had finished. I'd neglected the shower I'd usually have because I'd hoped Jackson would already be home after my extra-long practice.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, there were no messages.

I sat down at the breakfast island and placed my phone down on the marble countertop. We'd been living in the apartment for a few months now, but in many ways it felt like it was still new. I guess neither of us had been home enough to really get used to it. I'd gone with him on his all of his trips back to LA bar this one. They had all been during breaks in the semester. This time however it had been right in the middle of the semester and I couldn't afford the time off. He'd been gone a week, the longest we'd been apart. Without him here, the apartment just felt like four walls with some furniture inside of it.