A Letter About Thoughts At This Moment
Dear Somebody
It's late in the night and like much of my writing, I've decided to do this one at an ungodly hour.
The sound of the world has drowned out and it seems as if all the fights of the day are solved because of the silence even if, in reality, they're far from it.
Ever since I was little, I have been so scared of what the future might hold. I have been scared that might not turn the way it has to.
But I have learnt that it turns out exactly the way it has to just not the way I want it to.
What am I thinking at this moment?
My mind is like a concoction of old thoughts that never seem to wither away and are always stuck to me.
I am thinking about –
I'm thinking about her, much like I always do.
I'm thinking about her thoughts at this moment and whether they include me.
I'm thinking about if she'll always just be in my thoughts or will she ever be in my arms.
I'm thinking about how to tell the world about me.
I'm thinking if I'm ever going to love myself.
Much more than any of my thoughts, the last one plagues me, endlessly.
Clawing and gnawing at me, tearing me apart and shredding me to irreparable pieces.
I always end up thinking about the last thing and even at this moment, that's the one.
If I have to think so much about this, then it means I have no chance of ever being able to love me.
Love requires no thinking or strategy and since my love for myself requires too much of thought, I don't think I ever will be able to feel for myself the way I should.
And then there's that old saying that goes something like, "You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself."
But what's the point of loving yourself if you have to learn it?
And I'm thinking about how fucking stuck I feel.
I don't need to love myself.
Because I love her and he's this unshakable part of me.
So when I say all my thoughts come back to my own self it basically means that all my thoughts come back to her.
Now I'm going to go drift off to sleep and try to force away the pain that comes with thoughts of her.
The pain that comes with the realisation that I'm never going to stop thinking of her and there is no amount of morphine in the world that can soothe it.
And so the bottom line of my thoughts?
LJD
Much like everything else.
Love
Navi
