A letter to your best friend
Dear N (citylightszarry )
Do I even need to write your name? You obviously know that this letter is addressed to you. Just another small glimpse of your arrogance.
I wish I could tell you that you're highly mistaken about your role in my life but I can't because you aren't.
It seems entirely strange as to how I've let someone come so close to me in such a short amount of time.
It's irritating, really when I come to think of it.
I have been successful in putting up the hardest and the most concrete wall around me, and my heart. A wall that I know, no one will ever be able to break. A wall so strong and so gigantic that it is the perfect contradiction to who I am (small and weak).
And yet there's you banging on the said wall, asking me to break it down and let you in.
That's something I won't do. Call it my selfishness or whatever but I can't and won't.
So you should take pride that you're the only person who's ever come close to forcing me to break the wall and sometimes I wish I could.
But the wounds around my heart are fresh and the wall protects them from hurting, so I can't.
I've known you for almost two years now and in our tiny portion of the world, two years are an eternity.
Friendships break and people move away from each other as frequently as the sun sets and rises so to me it's quite an achievement that we've managed to stay together for as long as we have.
You're not just my best friend, you know? You're my only family (even though we aren't related by blood). You're the only person I'm going to leave anything to in my will (there wouldn't be much, but whatever) and you're going to be the one eulogising me.
Still as I write these words, I can't believe that it's been just two years since I've known you.
At times I wonder why you're different than any of the other friends I've ever had. Maybe it's the fact that you make me wonder that makes you different.
In the two years I've known you, we've been best friends for one and a half and that's because the first six months was the two of us testing the temperature of the water before we dived in it, our friendship being the said water.
I remember when we talked to each other for the first time.
We fought.
It was a stupid, fake fight thing but it was a fight none the less.
And then we fan girled over the best book known to mankind - Will Grayson, Will Grayson - and I realised that I wouldn't be so lonely in the world of high school now, because I had a friend.
Slowly, you morphed your way into becoming my best friend and now you're the one person I can't imagine living without.
In high school, people meet at least one person who will stay with them forever and I think you might be that one person for me.
The past year and a half has been the hardest and saddest time of my life and that said time, is still going on. If you weren't there with your irritating, idiotic and the 'always fan girling' persona then I know for a fact that I wouldn't be alive.
I have a weirdly dependent relationship with you and I would never be able to imagine a life where there is no you because to me that life will only be my after life.
Even there I'm sure you'll barge your way in and tell me about how fucking hot you think Jai Courtney is and how much you hate Veronica Roth for killing Eric.
There have only ever been three people I've ever shown even my slight vulnerable side to and one of them is you, obviously.
Our English teacher was explaining Julius Caesar to us and she said that family and friend may start from the same letter but their meanings can never be confused.
For me, my best friend is my only family and so I am bound to confuse the two words' meanings.
I take a lot of time to open myself up but I have, not fully because I'm incapable of that but I have.
I wish you would too. You have yet to open up to me and you have no idea how much I want you to, how much I need you to.
I have this notion in my head that if you open up to me in the way I have to you then I might just become as important to you as you are to me but I'm not sure if that'll ever happen.
I think that, rather I know that you are my best friend but I'm not yours.
And that's somehow okay with me.
It doesn't matter what title I have in your life just as long as I am a part of it.
I know that I can't live without you.
I also know that you can live without me and that again is okay.
We'll cross that bridge when it comes, right?
For now we're fine.
Love
Navi
