eighteen » l.h

44.

listen to 'Catch Fire' while reading this chapter :-)

"My senior year was terrible," I began. "Everyday I laid down on my bed and turned up the volume on my stereos. The music would be blasting and I was there all locked up in that room my grandma let me stay in, the blinds drawn. I would have the TV on with the movie if i stay playing on repeat. I was your typical heart broken girl with empty tubs of ice cream laying on the floor. This was everday, may I remind you."

"All of this continued onto my freshman year of college. I would get home from school and do that. I would go to sleep with a horrific headache and stained fingertips from the constant wiping I did at my eyes. I couldn't put on make up and make myself look alive because that meant lying to everyone around me and myself. I was dead on the inside. I occasionally put on eyeliner and mascara but after a while I found no point in doing that. They always got smudged and ended up mixing in with the infinite tears I shed."

"I replayed our last good conversation over in my head. Over and over, and over again. And I would think to myself; will this pain ever go away?-"

"I-" He tried to speak up but I didn't let him. I was finally letting these words spur out of my corrupted body and out into the open. I was letting these words out to the person who made this words come to life.

I turned around and opened my tear filled eyes, "But then I soon made the choice to let go. I was no longer going to lock myself in a room and plead to the gods above to take away the horrible agony I had inside of me for a little bit over a year. I realized in that very moment that I was no longer going to shed a tear with you being the reason behind it." I swallowed the small bile that was threatening to come out my mouth before continuing.

"I got myself a boyfriend," he winced at my words. "I didn't have to look for him, he was right there by my side through everything and he is the person who makes me happy."

"Even so, you seemed to find your way into my mind and plant yourself in there once again. The grevious feeling I once had came back and it came back stronger when we bumped into each other that day. Ever since then, you have managed to ground yourself even more into my head. So this is why, Luke. This is why I'm here pouring my feelings to you. I still fucking love you and I can't do anything about it." I had finally gotten everything out, the feeling of relief falling upon me. My lips broke out into a smile I let out a breath that I had been holding in but quickly vanished as I stared into his red puffy eyes.

His mouth was opened agape, no sound or words coming out. I averted my gaze to his trembling hands and then moved it back to his face as a sob fell past his lips.

He turned his head in the direction of where the kitchen was and I did as well, seeing Michael standing in the middle of the entrance, his eyes puffy as well. He shifted his eyes towards Luke, lingering for a bit before nodding his head. "I think we need to go, Estelle." He quietly said. It was barely above a whisper but I had heard him.

I looked back at Luke whose eyes were shut tightly and nose all red. I moved a little bit over to my left and placed my hand on the doorknob. Michael walked across the room and moved my hand away from the knob before opening it himself.

"See you around, I guess." Michael muttered and closed the door behind us. I walked to his car in silence, my arms linked with each other across my chest.

And I stayed like that until we arrived back home. The feeling of regret washed over me. I was too harsh on him, I know it.

"I'm so proud of you." Michael spoke up. I sniffled a little bit hoping to control my runny nose but completely failing. Michael noticed and reached over the console that was in between us, embracing me into an overwhelming hug. I bawled my eyes out right there. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and let out all the choked sobs I had within me. I pulled away from him after awhile and looked at the wet spot that was where I had my face buried into.

I went to apologize but Michael interjected before I could, "Don't worry about it. You need to get all the emotions you have inside of you out."

"I hurt him, Michael." I unbuckled my seatbelt and pulled my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and staring off into the street ahead of me. "I hurt him more with my words than he did with his actions." I breath out.

"I should've just objected to his statement when he told me to talk about my feelings." I feel a tear move out my eye and run down the side of my cheek. "I had my eyes closed for most of the time and-"

"I know, Estelle. I wasn't actually raiding the kitchen. I was listening to your conversation."

"I feel so horrible."

"I feel horrible as well and I don't even have anything to do with the situation."

"Should I go back and plead for forgiveness?" I turn my head to look at him.

"No," He shakes his head. "He needs his time right now. That's why I suggested that we leave."

"But what you need to do is go in there and tell Calum how you really feel." He added on.

I quickly shook my head and placed my feet back down," I can't, Michael. I can't do that."

"You always say that about everything, Estelle. You just have to believe in yourself."

"You don't understand, Michael. I-"

"Would you rather be truthful to someone who has been like that for you through everything or lie straight up to their face and carry the thought in your conscious forever?" He questioned and I was speechless.

I nodded and opened the car door. "Wish me luck, at least?" I say and he nods before smiling.

"Good luck, Estelle. I believe in you."

I closed the door before trudging my way towards the front door. Michael drove down the street before turning the corner and I stood there by the front door of our house.

I gulped and twisted the door knob, the anticipation getting the best of me.

A/n: thoughts on sounds good feels good?