One Big Mistake

Ch-13 The Letter

Adoption... The topic still lingered in my head several days after entering. I can't fathom the idea of carrying two babies inside of me for nine months and then giving birth to them just to surrender them to another family and potentially never see them again.

How could any mother do it?

I don't have the bond that most mothers have at this point but even with the way I feel about this it just seems so hard. I guess if it's the right thing to do then you won't have doubts or regrets. If I had that philosophy a few months ago I wouldn't have to be making such a tough decision. Whatever I decide, I need to decide soon because it is a long drawn out process.

It's hard to make a big decision when you haven't talked to anybody about it. Not my mom obviously and not Hannah because we've grown apart lately. I miss having Hannah around so much that I often think of something to tell her and then realize that we aren't talking, then I break down in tears.

Everything is so stressful and I can't handle it by myself which is exactly what I'm trying to do. I have to handle paying for my doctor appointments and gas to go to them, I worry about after these babies are born all the time, and I worry about Cole not wanting to help when he comes back from his service. I cannot stand him, but if I do choose to keep the babies, I want them to have a father. Every child deserves a father.

I brought myself back to real life and glanced at the clock on the oven, wow I've stood here for five minutes. I looked down at my cup of coffee, thinking it should be cool enough by now. I tested its temperature with my finger and decided it was perfect to drink right now. I know what you're thinking, you can't have coffee when you're pregnant. I already feel guilty for just looking at it, but I didn't get any sleep last night because of pain in my lower back and I nee this little energy booster. I so desperately wanted to roll over onto my stomach all night to ease the pain a bit but how can I lay on my belly when it's this size?

I held the mug in between both of my hands carefully as I walked to the living room. I set the warm cup on the coaster and sat down grabbing my "If I Stay" book. It's been a few months since I've picked up a book and I'm so excited to get lost in the pages again. I pulled a blanket over my nearly five months pregnant belly and sipped on my coffee trying to find the page I left off at. Though I'd love to say that I actually was able to relax, if I did it would be a lie. About ten minutes into reading, I puked up my coffee. Plus my emotions wouldn't let me continue to read, instead I laid on my couch wrapped up in a blanket crying for the fictional characters.

"Is this yours?" I heard my mama's voice and immediately rolled my eyes knowing that she was going to scold me for my coffee.

"Yes mother." I said sassily, getting up off of the couch and grabbing the still quarter full mug. "I don't want to hear about it." I mumbled as I made my way to the kitchen.

"Do not talk to your mother like that Jessalynn." My dad said firmly as he appeared around the corner. "What's going on?" He questioned the situation as he sipped on his morning cup of coffee.

"Your daughter was drinking coffee when she knows that will harm- them." She snatched the mug from my hand and set it in the sink. "You were not mature enough for a situation like this." She added in.

My dad wouldn't look me in the eyes, or look at me at all. "Maybe you should discuss these sort of things with her Charlotte." He suggested and I couldn't help but laugh sarcastically.

"Or maybe you could." She obviously didn't want to. "Jessalynn, Emmylou asked me last night why big sissy's tummy is getting big. When I told her that you were going to have your own babies she asked who is going to be their daddy." My dad left the room because of his discomfort of the topic. "What am I supposed to say to her? Not Cole. What example do you think you're setting for her. Not to mention Paisley. I pray everyday that she won't follow in your footsteps. That she won't think, oh Jess did it so I can too." She started to get teary-eyed and her voice cracked.