One Big Mistake

Ch-6 The Biggest Secret

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
~Lao Tzu

I used to want to leave my house. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my family for the world. It's just, the way I was brought up was to hide your feelings and put others before you. I've spent my whole life at home, helping take care of my siblings and worrying about other people.

I've waited so long to move out and only worry about my self. Maybe focus on me for once, be my own priority. Now it's hopeless. Even right now I feel obligated to do everything extra carefully and I haven't drank coffee in a day and a half because I read it's harmful to a baby in the womb. So there I go, putting somebody else before me because now I have to.

I can't blame anybody, but myself for this. I should've said 'no' and that's the bottom line. Sure maybe Cole shouldn't have pursued me like that, but I could of said no or at least been more persistent with it.

Yesterday I looked through the phonebook and found an OB/GYN located in Dakota. I figure, until I'm ready to tell people I'm pregnant, I have to do everything that has to do with this pregnancy in Dakota where I don't know anybody and they don't know me. It's best that way.

You wouldn't believe the amount of research I've done in twenty-four hours. My biggest question is when will I start to get a belly, so I know approximately how long I can keep this a secret. Of course I'm left wondering because I couldn't find a definite answer. Some women couldn't hide it by eleven weeks and others had a muffin top appearance until about twenty weeks. I do know that all this is true though from being a midwife.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to be civil with Cole. The baby can't grow up with it's parents fighting every time they see each other, it's just not healthy. I'm probably overthinking it though. I doubt Cole will ever take responsibility for his actions.

I never imagined my life like this, if last year somebody told me, I was gonna be a teen mom, I would've laughed in their face, but leave it to Cole to ruin my life. It's really gross when I think about it. How could I have done that with him? It's not like he's ugly, but he's a jerk and four years older than me.

I wonder how far along I am exactly. The test said '6-7 weeks', but I wonder the precise gestational age. Oi, here come the tears. I didn't think I had any left. I retreated to under my covers, sniffling a bit.

"Jessalynn." I heard Jessie nearing my room. Can't they just leave me alone. Maybe if I pretend to sleep. My door cracked open and light poured into my room. "Jessa!" My twin yelled loud enough to wake a whole house of heavy sleepers.

"I'm not dead." I peeked my head out a little from under the covers.

He flipped on the light switch making me wince. "Darn." He purposely said loud enough for me to here.

"You want me to die. Why? So you'll finally be the good looking twin?" I actually laughed a little. I thought I forgot how.

He stuck his tongue out briefly before grabbing my arm and pulling me off the bed. Luckily my bed is only a foot off the ground or that could have seriously hurt me- or the baby.

At that thought I stood up almost instantly, brushing off my hands and getting straight to the point. "What do you want?" I attempted to suck in the little muffin top I have from being bloated.

"Mama wants you for breakfast." His eyes flickered to beside my dresser. Then he turned his head completely and his eyes squinted as he studied that area. "What is that?" He turned to me with a worried expression.

"What?" I asked, still with an irritated tone of voice.

"That." He pointed to where he had curiously looked just a second ago. I leaned to look around him to see where he was pointing. Oh my gosh! That's where I put all the tests. My eyes went wide, but I tried to look normal when he turned around for an explanation.