Deceiver - Tom Kaulitz

27. "ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴏᴋᴀʏ. "

Today was one of those days. No, scratch that— it's been one of those weeks, but today has been the worst of them all.

Today was one of those days when all I want is for my mother to hold me in her arms. I want to be able to hear her voice again and smell her perfume.

I want to be able to feel her gentle hands hold my cheeks as she tells me she loves me. I want to see her warm, brown eyes shine.

I want to see her kind smile as she tells me how proud she is of me. I need her words of encouragement now more than ever. I need her to tell me everything will be okay.

Because now, more than ever, I feel as though nothing is going to be okay. I haven't left my room, haven't drawn my curtains, and haven't even thought about having a meal.

I don't think I can count on my hands just how many messages I have received from people. I just don't want to talk to anyone. I even turned my phone off.

Celine and Theodore knocked on my door a few times to see if I wanted to play with them. To their disappointment, I would just tell them to go away.

Why would I say that? I didn't mean it. I love playing with them— being able to see their happy faces and hear their giggles.

Nothing felt right. Nothing felt okay. I just want my mother but she is no longer here. I thought I was prepared for the day my mother would pass, but I suppose I was wrong.

Grief is so strange. One moment I feel as though I finally found at least some sense of joy, and then a week later I feel like I'm under a heavy blanket of emotion.

I knew one day I would be grieving over my mother, but not this soon. I may be eighteen soon, but I'm still a kid who's going to need her mother sometimes.

I'll miss all the moments we had together, both when she was healthy and sick. She always knew how to make me smile and laugh.

"Mommy, why do you call me that?" I asked her. "Lovebug?" She asked and I nodded. She smiled down at me.

"It's the perfect nickname for the baby who crawled her way into my heart and made me feel complete." She explained.

I felt my eyes begin to water for what felt like the fifty-seventh time today. I couldn't stop the tears anymore— they just came.

There were a few soft knocks on the door followed by a pause before the door handle turned. I stayed facing the wall, ready to tell the twins that I don't want to play whatever game they were going to try and suck me into.

"Genie," To my surprise it wasn't one of the twins. It was a voice I hardly recognized, but I still knew who it was. "Liz?" I mumbled, sitting up in bed and turning to look at her.

"I'm sorry to bother you. I've been texting you all day to try and give you your sweatshirt back that you let me borrow at the party." She said quietly.

"Oh," I simply said. "I leave tomorrow so I figured I better give it to you today," She said with a small laugh. "Your dad said you'd be up here and that maybe you could use a visitor."

"Leaving for what?" I asked her, pinching my eyebrows together. "College." She simply answered with a small smile. "Right," I said quietly, bringing my hand up to wipe my cheek.

"So soon, though?" She nodded. "Well, it is a thirteen-hour drive after all. It'd also be later if I was living on campus, but I'm not so I have to start putting my apartment together."

"Right. I'm so sorry, I totally forgot. I would've tried to hang out with you a little more, it just completely slipped my mind." I explained and she chuckled softly, sitting down at the end of my bed.