COMING OF AGE | Nishimura Riki

035 | the universe won

nishimura riki 
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Everything that was not supposed to happen happened. This is why you shouldn't keep things to yourself. If there is something heavy on your chest or mind, you have to say it out loud. The longer you keep it inside, the worse it's gonna be.

How hard can it be to do something so simple? Why am I not capable of doing such basic and simple things? If I was, things would have felt a bit better right now. It wouldn't have felt like I had lost two people in my life within 24 hours.

I thought I had everything under control but I was far away from having control. How can the direction switch so fast?

In my left hand is a photograph of me with His and Her Majesty when we visited the Danish Royal Family when I was younger. In my right hand is a photograph of Mai and me from when we were kids.

Despite the photographs being taken in two different places, continents, ages, and emotions. They both make me feel sentimental.

"I remember our visit to the Danish Royal Family. Crown Princess Mary loved you and hoped you would marry Princess Isabella when you grew older" Her Majesty said.

I looked at her. Despite having a smile on her face, the pain was still noticeable. It's easier to see the pain than her made-up happiness.

Obviously, she is not sad over old memories with the Danish Royal Family.

"Riki" She suddenly said as she placed her hands on each of my shoulders.

"I know it's not the right time to tell you. But, something very important is coming up and you have to be prepared" Her Majesty added.

Am I actually marrying Princess Isabella of Denmark? It was not a silly thought Crown Princess Mary said over a glass of wine.

"You have to take over the throne soon" Her Majesty said.

Her words felt like a knife being stabbed into my heart. My head is dizzy, my vision is blurry, and every breath I take feels heavy. It feels like I am about to pass out and fall on the ground.

How could I miss something so important? I have lost my sense of direction. I don't even know where I am right now. I don't know anything because everything I know has vanished as fast as a blink of an eye.

"We need to wait. I'm not ready yet" I said despite knowing waiting is not a word that exists in our vocabulary, especially, when it comes to coronation.

I looked Her Majesty in the eyes despite receiving a more blurry vision. Tears started to fall from my eyes and Her Majesty wrapped her arms around me, holding me as close as she could. An embrace of comfort and safety is exactly what I need right now.

"I know you would like to wait but, the longer you wait the harder it is gonna be for you. The commitment you are about to make is scary and you have all the right to be scared. But just because you are scared doesn't mean you should ignore it. You are supposed to feel scared, it's good for you. Because when you are scared, it means you are doing something very brave" Her Majesty said.

"You are not the first Crown Prince who feels anxious over their coronation. Unfortunately, there will never be a time when you feel ready. You are always gonna feel unprepared, lost, and overwhelmed. And I promise you there is nothing wrong with that. No one is gonna look down on you" She added.

"I don't want any advice from Her Majesty. I need advice from my mother" I said while I sobbed between the words.

Her Majesty broke down into tears and hugged me tighter, which I didn't think was possible. It feels like I'm letting out all my emotions at once. All these emotions I have kept to myself for so many years are finally being released and expressed out loud.

"Mom" I said, still sobbing between the words.

"I can't do it. I am not gonna be the king everyone expects me to be. I will not fill up the shoes Dad left for me. They are way too big. If I take over the throne, I will not live up to everyone's expectations and be known as the worst king in Japan's history" I added.

"Riki" Her Majesty let go of the hug and placed her hands on my shoulders again.

"Everything is gonna be fine. What you are experiencing right now is a lot and very overwhelming. I have reported an absence from school to give you the time you need to melt everything. Don't stay up too late, and if you have something on your heart, I will always be there for you, my son" She replied.

She kissed my forehead to say goodnight and then left me alone. I sat down on the floor to look at the night sky above me. My mind is awfully loud and my tears are still running down my face. Is the universe trying to mess with me? Is this my punishment for being me?

I do believe the universe is messing with me. If they didn't, I wouldn't end up in this situation. And the universe has every right to mess with me. I dont even see a reason why they wouldn't. I deserve this. Sometimes I wonder if I was born lucky or lucky to be born. Because sometimes it feels like I wasn't supposed to be born.

Like the universe made a mistake by giving me life and now they are trying to fix their mistake by constantly setting traps for me. After every trap I notice, the more I want to raise the white flag and give up. I have already lost everything so there is nothing more to lose. The universe won. Congratulations.