COMING OF AGE | Nishimura Riki

011 | blocked memories

sato mai
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Even though I prefer to keep things to myself, whether it's objects or thoughts. I never feel the need to share them with anyone. Why? I learned how to only depend on myself before I learned how to write and read.

I grew up in a household with a sick mom to take care of and an absent dad who was forced into prison. People refer to my life as a tragedy, and the chapter where my dad got arrested is the most heartbreaking.

I was still a kid when Dad got arrested, but I still remember that day in detail. It's hard to forget that day when the one person who meant the most to me got taken away.

Despite my Dad being in prison before I even reach preadolescence, he has always been there for me. Even if I am used to keeping things to myself since it is more natural and safe, I still need to remove weight from my shoulders sometimes.

After all, my Dad is the only one who keeps me close, while the rest of the world is pushing me away out of disgust.

"Hi, I'm here to see my Dad, Sato Matto" I told the prisoner guard who was blocking the meeting room's entrance.

The prisoner guard nodded and allowed me to walk in. I caught my Dad sitting in a corner across the room. I immediately felt serval kilograms leaving my shoulders as I looked at him. Dad noticed me as well, he stood up from his seat as I started to run towards him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck as I rested my head on his shoulder. All the broken pieces inside of me are sticking back together. I'm still broken, but my wounds are healing.

I slowly let go to sit down. I noticed glances from the people around us, they are judging us with their eyes while the rest of their faces are looking disgusted. My Dad and I are always judged whenever we are seen together, or on the other hand, we are judged no matter what the situation is.

"Don't care about them" My Dad whispered as we sat down.

"It's just annoying at this point. Neither of us can breathe freely like a normal human being without receiving judgment. Even mom almost got kicked out of the hospital" I stated.

"I know. Humans are nothing but a creation full of opinions. However, prisoners are different. The only thing we care about is what film we are going to watch on Fridays. What each every prisoner is arrested for is our least concern and last thought" My Dad said.

"The prisoner lifestyle does sound tempting. You don't have to make money, no need to pay any rent, receive free food, and you are living with people who don't give a shit about you" I replied.

"But you still have to be careful with your life choices. I don't want you to end up behind bars just like me due to misunderstandings and false accusations. Especially with your drugs business, you have to be careful and aware of what you are doing" My Dad reminds me.

It breaks my heart whenever Dad mentions his convicted. He often mentions or refers to his convict between the lines. It's been over a decade since my Dad got arrested, yet people remember it like it happened yesterday.

"Dad? Does befriending a posh count as a sign for me to be careful and aware of my actions?" I asked while scratching my neck.

"I thought you refused to voluntarily hang out with those kind of people. So you did end up going to that party, right?" My Dad asked back with a chuckle.

"I needed to go or else I wouldn't be able to pay Mom's hospital bill. Anyhow, he does seem nice, especially because he treats me as a human compared to everyone else. He shows interest in getting to know me and takes his time to talk to me. The affection he gives me is something I have never experienced before" I explained.

"You haven't talked about someone like this since you were forced to leave your childhood friend. Do you remember him?" My Dad said with a soft smile.

"Not really. My life before you were arrested is blank. I don't have any memories of you not being in prison. It's like my mind is blocking that period of my life" I replied.

"My memory is also blank from that period as well. I also believe my mind is trying to block me from the memories that were created during that period. But, I do remember your childhood friend" My dad admitted.

"He was sweet, caring, sincere, and thoughtful.. Unlike his parents" He added.

I wish I remembered this period of my life. It's sad to acknowledge that I only remember the painful chapters of my life. The chapters where I am happy and living my best life, those pages are ripped out.

I assume happiness isn't meant for everyone, am I right?

People say it's getting better over the years, and that is a complete lie. It doesn't matter if you become more mature over the years and learn how to deal with your difficult situations. Sometimes, life does not get better over the years, it's getting worse.

One day, I might look back at this moment and be proud of myself for counting the fight between me and my life. However, I don't believe in myself at all. Me, experiencing a day when my life is actually liveable and good? That one day of me living a good life is more likely to be meant for my next life.