COMING OF AGE | Nishimura Riki

008 | double standards

sato mai 
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I have already hurt my pride enough by actually showing up at that party, not to mention I also got exposed by Ni-ki. But my body and mind still aren't satisfied, somehow it's not enough for them. I had to go through one big and long mental fight for days, both before and after but as I said, it's somehow not enough.

Did my body and mind enjoy watching me embarrass myself, or what? Is this perhaps what you call guilty pleasure?

But the worst part of it is acknowledging that I actually had fun that night. Well, the only fun part was the small and short deep talk with Ni-ki. I also got a chance to witness posh people being head over heels for drugs.

Posh people are already my most loyal customers, so I already had a basic understanding of the relationship between posh people and drugs. However, witnessing that relationship in a party environment was a new experience.

In their eyes, money does not have any value. These people really think that money grows on trees, causing them to throw money around by spending them recklessly. As I said, money does not have any value in their eyes.

Other than that, the rest of the night was quite decent. Describing something as decent doesn't necessarily mean it's bad even if the world has a negative sound. It's just me who doesn't want to admit I had fun at that party, simply because it's embarrassing to acknowledge that.

I let out a sigh as I stared at the food on the tray underneath me. My thoughts caused me to turn my food into a porridge-like texture. My new stress reliever?

"Are these seats taken?" Someone suddenly asked.

I looked up and saw Hanami and Yui standing in front of me on the other side of the table. Both of them are looking at me with a wide smile on their face as well.

My first instinct was to look behind me to check and make sure I was the one they talked to. It's not their request itself I'm confused about, it's the fact that they asked me if the seats were taken. This is the first time someone asks if the seats are taken because everyone already knows I always eat lunch by myself.

"No, you can sit there" I said.

Hanami and Yui kept looking at me with wide smiles as they sat down on the seats in front of me. I looked at them out of confusion. Why are they looking at me like that when people only approach me for one reason only.

"Is it true that you were at the Kinmyaku party last night?" Yui suddenly asked, causing me to almost choke on the air.

"Where did you hear that nonsense?" I asked back.

"It's a rumor. Someone spotted you in a video posted by one of the students" Yui explained.

That explains the glances I received when I walked into school this morning. I thought it was me overreacting at first because I was scared people were going to find out, and it seems like I wasn't overreacting. It is my reality.

"I was not there, I just have a common face" I said.

The disappointment in their faces and body language is obvious. I do not only choose to keep the truth to myself because of my selfish personality trait, but also because I don't understand the purpose of admitting I was there.

It's obvious Hanami and Yui want to use me for their benefit. Did they perhaps think that they could use me as a shortcut to Kinmyaku students? Those types of people at that school want nothing from us except things that are beneficial for them and them only.

But if Hanami and Yui want to create friendship bonds or maybe even a romantic relationship with a spoiled jerk, they are free to do that. We are living in a free country.

I let out a sigh as I left the cafeteria. Glances from the student are aimed at me as I walked by. People really need to get themselves a life instead of being so invested in rumors. If you are the type of person who bases their whole personality on rumors and gossip, that's sadder than my life and my whole is full of shit.

I heard the sound of my plastic bags as I sat down on a bench outside. I lifted my guardian as I took a look at the tiny plastic bags that is hiding in the inner pocket. Even if I have sold drugs for a couple of years, I never felt the need to try them myself.

The society always blames the one who takes the drug instead of the one selling it to them. The society places all their focus on the ones taking them because they want to fix them, in between the lines is society calling nicotine addicts idiots. It might be illegal to sell drugs and be a drug dealer, but society doesn't want to fix us as much as they want to fix our victims.

It is also so many double standards going around in the drug dealing world as well. I have often been called dirty because I belong to the lower society class, not to mention I have a criminal father which results in people expecting me to involve in crimes as well.

However, when someone with a high society status is taking or selling drugs, they are getting praised for it. It's only cool to sell and take drugs if you are rich, but if you are not then it's dirty.

It's annoying to carry around the knowledge of double standards when you are affected by them, while watching these goddamn posh brats not even bothering to acknowledge double standards exist in the first place. Sometimes, all I want is to slap them right in the face to make them realize how many privileges are raining on them every day.

I try my best not to drag all posh people over en edge because I hate it when people judge me for the same reason. I do know that not all posh people are spoiled brats, like Ni-ki. If, for some reason, I decided to introduce Hanami and Yui to some Kinmyaku students, I would choose Ni-ki and Ni-ki only.

But I will never introduce them or anyone to Ni-ki for obvious reasons. I dont want to share him with anyone else; I want to keep him to myself and myself only.