Through sickness and in health

63

Wednesday

"The chemo isn't doing what we hoped it would. The mass is continuing to grow. Chemotherapy is no longer an option" I stop around the corner with a smoothie in one hand and my coffee in the other, at the sound of dr Harrison's voice. There's a cry of a woman who I know is Melissa without having to look then the sound of jacks voice.
"What happens now?" He asks, but I can tell from his voice that this is affecting him. He hasn't had the easiest relationship with Jason but I know he wants to put in an effort even if he is a few years too late.

"Although chemo isn't an option which means radiation isn't either. Jason is still strong. I can put him into clinical trials. We test him on the medicine and wait if we get a reaction" dr Harrison explains
"What if there is a reaction?" Melissa asks
"We don't want to have a reaction. If Jason has a reaction to the clinical trial then it's over. Because Jason has brain cancer there isn't so many we can put him in but there are a few"
"What if he has a reaction to all of them or they don't work?" Jack asks

Doctor Harrison's reply is slow, and we'll thought out. I think we all know it but we don't want to hear it. So he says it simply;
"If the clinical trial doesn't work...we're out of options" he says

*~*

I wait until Melissa calms down her crying and doctor Harrison walks away before I turn around the corner. Melissa's sad eyes look at me first and she's already on the verge of tears again.
"You heard" jack says reading my expression
"He's going to need you both more than ever now" I say, ignoring him completely. Melissa opens her mouth to talk but I cut her off.

"It's not really my place but you need to hear this. He needs you. Not the 1600 bucks you leave him every week, not the one or two calls or messages he receives telling him your going to be at the office later. He needs you to tell him that you won't be going into the office for a while. Your going to stay with him" I say looking at Melissa

"And he doesn't need your wife around to stress him out and confuse him even more. Jason's told me he'd love to get to know the kids, he's grown pretty close to Tyler. But he's also told me he doesn't want them to know about his chemo. He said if his cancer gets bad he doesn't want to get close to them because he doesn't want to leave them" I turn to look at jack.

"He said he didn't want to leave them feeling the same way he felt when his dad left" I don't say anything else as I turn on my heel and head back to Jason's room. Jason told me all of this when he first started talking to Tyler again.

When I get back to Jason's room the air instantly turns thicker. It feels suffocating. It's only been two days and he's been sucked into the depression of the hospital.

"Watch out" before I can even turn, a basketball hits the wall right next to my head.
"Good morning to you too" I laugh quietly. No laughter follows though.
"Sorry. The nurse put up a basketball hoop. I didn't want to tell her it was the wrong sport" he says, his voice is hoarse and when I look at him he still looks pale. And I'm suddenly left wondering where Jason's spark went. They was no hint of humour in his voice, just straight up sadness.

It's only been two days. Is what I keep reminding myself. But that only seems to make me even more sad because it's only been two days. Which means it's only going to get worse from here.

"How you feeling?" I ask setting down his smoothie on the bedside table and taking my usual seat next to his bed.
"Like I want to go back to my own house and lie in my own bed" he answers. I sigh and walk over to the bed, sitting beside him.

He moves to sit up again, reading what he's thinking I shuffle over and move a pillow on my lap so he can lay his head down. He lays his head down and grabs my hand.
"We won't be here much longer" I say softly, I run my fingers through his hair softly as he stares at the wall most likely thinking.
"Sorry I scared you" he whispers looking up at me. I look down at him and meet his eyes. But I can already see the defeat in his eyes, and it shatters my heart even more thinking about what this boy is about to hear.

*~*

"Good morning" dr Harrison walks in and nods at Melissa who's sitting in the chair opposite to me then smiles at Jason warmly. Jason's sitting in the hospital bed with earphones in, looking as pale and tired as he was yesterday.

He didn't get much sleep last night meaning neither did I because I didn't want him to be awake by himself. I went home, showered and changed my clothes and slept in my own bed on FaceTime to Jason. But even when he told me to try and get some sleep I couldn't. Because one things hasn't left my head since I overheard it and it's eating me alive.

Watching him sit in the hospital bed looking drained and defeated without answers is killing me. He's asking for answers but I'm not sure the answer he's waiting for is better than not knowing what's wrong.

The nurse comes in and checks his blood pressure like she has down for the past three days. Jason continues listening to his music as dr Harrison talks to Melissa outside the room, taking glances at Jason as he does. Melissa nods, tears threatening to escape her eyes once again as she listens to dr Harrison.

When their finished talking Melissa comes back in. But instead of sitting in her usual spot next to Jason's bed in the chair she takes a seat on the bottom of Jason's bed. She taps his leg and he opens his eyes looking at her then to me before pulling out his earphones and turning his attention to the doctor.

"How are we feeling today?" Dr Harrison asks Jason as he logs onto the computer in the corner of the room.
"Same as always" Jason says. I reach over and grab Jason's hand, giving it an assuring squeeze but he doesn't even move or blink. He just keeps his eyes focused on dr Harrison.

"So I have some good and bad news" dr Harrison sighs turning to look at Jason and Melissa. As if on cue, the door opens and jack walks in. Now Jason tenses. Dr Harrison looks at the door before looking back at Jason.
"Which part first?" Dr Harrison asks
"The bad news I guess" Jason says plainly

"I'm afraid chemotherapy is no longer an option. It hasn't been doing what we hoped it would, even with the increased dose" dr Harrison explains. Jason tenses even more and let's go of my hand.
"What about radiation?" He asks quietly looking down at his hands.
"We need the chemo to work in order to do radiational therapy. Since chemotherapy isn't working radiation is no longer an option" dr Harrison explains. Jason doesn't say anything more, I can practically hear the wheels turning in his head as he thinks of his options but everyone in this room is aware of what he's thinking. The reality is, there's only a few other options for us.

"There are a few clinical trials I have already signed you up for with your parents consent. You will start that tomorrow" dr Harrison says. Jason lifts his head and looks at Melissa who is still sitting on the end of the bed with her hand on Jason's leg in support. She gives him a tight nod and a small smile.
"What happens if it doesn't work?" Jason asks
"Well we're hoping you don't have a reaction to the trial drug. If you don't it means there's a chance it's working, if you do-"
"I'm basically dead" Jason cuts him off sharply.
"I wouldn't put it that way" dr Harrison sighs. His eyes are full of complete sympathy for the 17 year old boy sitting in front of him.

"But I can leave this place though right? It's like the chemo?" Jason asks
"Unfortunately the clinical trial means you need to stay here so we can monitor you. If you were to have a reaction it would mean the clinical trial drug didn't work. We need to know what the reaction is and when it happened" dr Harrison explains.
"How many clinical trials are there Jason can do?" Jack asks
"Because of Jason's type of cancer there's only about 3" dr Harrison says with a sigh.
"Of course, it's Jason's decision if he wants to give it a try" dr Harrison adds looking at jason.

Jason moves Melissa's hand off his leg and looks up at the doctor. I can see that he's debating it all in his head by the way he looks around the room and avoids eye contact with anyone.

"I don't want it" he says quietly