Through sickness and in health

11

Tuesday

I find myself with my hand wrapped around the door knob but stop myself. I bet Melissa wouldn't appreciate me letting myself into her house even if it's what I usually do.

"Hey honey" Melissa smiles opening the door. Max runs over to me, his tail wagging with his tongue sticking out, a big smile on his face.
"Hey buddy" I smile scratching behind his ears.
"Jason let the damn dog out!" Melissa sighs
"He's going to piss on my floors!" She adds
"I'll do it" I smile closing the door behind me. She gives me a smile before walking back into her living room resuming the movie she was watching.

"Some mom, huh buddy" I whisper to max and let him out the sliding doors to the backyard. Their backyard is massive, a massive pool with a hot tub, a full on patio, a massive shed where jay can work out.

When I finally walk upstairs to Jason's bedroom I can hear outer banks on the tv. I let him finish the series without me which I now regret but it was most definitely the guilt of him being locked in his room all day with nothing to do.

"Mom I said I'm-" he groans rolling over on his bed, his shirtless back sends me drooling. His back is perfectly toned with muscles that flex when he moves, he's tanned perfectly, his dirty blonde curls are messy which only make him look hotter.
"Hey sunshine" I laugh crawling on the bed and straddling him.
"Hello" he answers tiredly beginning to place kisses on my neck which he trails up to my lips. I smile accepting his warmth and strong arms that pull me into him.
"I missed you" I whisper, when I finally manage to remove his lips from my neck he settles for laying his head on my chest. My fingers find their way to his messy curls as I begin giving him head scratches.

"How're you feeling?" I ask, I know it's a risky question with Jay. He doesn't like talking about his feelings and he doesn't like being 'weak' nothing about this makes me think he's weak. In fact i think he's even stronger, but I know thag behind the walls he's put up he's probably scared. Hell I'd be fucking terrified knowing that in a week I'm getting my head drilled into to remove a tumour that could possibly be cancer that could kill me. I wish I could read his mind. That way I would know what he's feeling all the time so he never feels alone.

"Moms worried" he says. This is another thing he does, when I ask him a question he answers it but turns it into someone else. He'll say how someone else is feeling because they express it. Expressing his feelings is something Jason has always struggled with.
"Are you?" I ask, the circles he was drawing on my thigh stops when he pauses, like he's trying to think of the answer.
"I don't know how I feel about it" he answers truthfully looking up at me.
"I'm mostly just confused" he whispers. I know not to talk in these situations, he doesn't necessarily need someone to talk he needs someone to listen so he feels heard. I've learned that about jay.

"I mean how can this happen? A brain tumour what the fuck. I'm healthy, I'm on the baseball team, I workout 5 days a week, I eat pretty much clean, I don't eat a bunch of vegetables but I don't binge junk food" he sighs
"The doctor even said I have a strong immune system. I mean I just don't understand. Everything was finally starting to come into place, I was getting my meds on the right dosage, I'm finally feeling better now. I got my piece of shit dad out the picture but then I find out I have a fucking brain tumour" he sighs
I can feel his heart racing as he rambles on about his feelings but I don't stop him. I simply listen taking in what he has to say.

"All the pillars I put up to stop the ceiling from closing in on me are coming crashing down. I'm so confused, I don't know where to go from here and I don't know what to do" he sighs
"Sometimes I wish I could just crawl out of my skin, or just sink into my bed. Maybe sleep for 5 year. Wait for this world to calm down a bit" he mumbles.

"I just want to crawl somewhere and hide. To a place I know it's safe. Like right here" he whispers placing his hand over my heart. He looks up at me meeting my eyes, a small smile forms on his face as he leans up to kiss me but he quickly stops himself.
"Are you-" I cut myself off when jay bolts into his bathroom, I watch his figure hunch over before the door slams shut. All his words run through my brain as I search for ways in my head that I can help him. But I'm so focused on the coughing and gagging sound from the bathroom that's making my eyes water.

Jason hardly ever gets sick, since we've been dating he's only ever gotten sick once with food poisoning. We FaceTimed all day everyday, but we had only been dating for 3 months and he never let me come over because he didn't want me to see him throw up. He didn't want me to see him wake up in the middle of the night to throw up, but I also think he was trying to hide the stubborn side of him.

The side of him that doesn't accept help. The side of him that thinks he's all alone in this world, that's the side of himself he only really shows. The other side of him. The side of him that secretly craves attention, the side of him that's soft. He acts so tough and he is. He's the last person you'd expect to be the comfy cuddly type but he's exactly that. I can never escape his arms, the cuddly, soft, romantic, love filled heart is what he shields from the world. Only a few people get to see that side of him and I'm lucky to say I'm one of them, I only see parts of that side, but I'm grateful he shows me those little parts atleast.

"Babe are you okay?" I sit with my back leaning against the door, hoping for him to come out. Last time this happened he was in there all night.
"Stupid question, god I'm sorry" I mumble, I hadn't realised how tired I was until now. My eyes feel heavy as I start rambling.
"I'm scared" I find a spot on his bedroom wall opposite me where I decide to stare. It keeps my eyes from watering, it calms the tears that are coming up.
"I hated having to tell them that you were sick today. That you...god I hate saying it" I whisper
"I think you'd look cute with your hair shaved,  even if it's only a little bit. I know how you feel about your hair" I laugh to myself at the memory of me and jay play fighting and he told me not his hair, anything but his hair.

"They all missed you today. I hadn't realised until now how much I rely on you at school, I hang out with your three bestfriends more than I hang out with my two friends" I laugh
"Cooper kept cracking jokes, will never stopped talking, Kai never stopped asking me questions. They all worry about you" I smile to myself.

"All the worries are coming back" I sigh
"I mean I guess they never really went they just drifted from the surface. But now their back at the very top of the surface and it scares me. I know the doctor said he's done this surgery many times and all but how can you not be afraid by it? I feel selfish for making this about me" I mumble the last part mainly for my benefit.

I hadn't heard the sink running and the toilet flushing until I feel the door cracking open behind me. Jay pops out, still wearing his plaid pyjama pants without a shirt. He gives me a sympathetic smiles before leaning down and picking me up.
"Babe I'm heavy" I squeal
"Your not even half my warm up weights" he scoffs
he walks us over to the bed as I wrap my limbs around his body. When we collapse on the bed he stills holds me as he sits up and now I know it's my turn to be cuddled. It's usually him being the clingy one but tonight all the feelings are at the surface and I realise I don't want him to ever let me go.

"Cm'ere" he does grabby hands as I carefully straddle him and bury my head in his neck. His hands go to my back as he draws circles on it like usual. Outerbanks plays in the background as we sit in comfortable silence.

"Remember what I told you in the hospital?" He whispers, I think back to the hospital remembering when he said he didn't want me hiding from him, I nod my head with a small smile creeping on my face.
"I meant it. If your worried you talk to me, express it to me don't bottle these things up" he sighs
"I know this is going on inside my brain but that doesn't mean it doesn't effect you, I know that. Don't feel guilty for having feelings or for making it about you because I'd happily listen to your problems for days than have you bottling them up. I did that for years and you saw where that got me" I decide not to say anything, just hold onto him a little bit tighter as a way of saying I'm here.

I sit next to him and pull his head gently to lay on my stomach. The boy with the brain tumour Just comforted me when he's the one with the brain tumour. God I'm in love with this boy.

"Im here for you" I whisper
"Your stuck with me if you like it or not"
"Im staying my love" I whisper
"My love" he mumbles
"I like it" a laugh rumbles from my chest and I realise it's my first genuine laugh of today. Fuck I missed this boy and I missed having him with me.