I Don't Smoke (bsdxmha)

Evil lairs

As much as Dazai would rather find a nice deep lake to jump into, he does have to do some work. After all, what's the point in being at UA if he can't uncover a dirty secret or two?

Now that he's got the student files, that's one thing done out of two. He takes another quick glance at Midoriya; He's raptly watching Iida run around in circles. Dazai wilts into the concrete wall he's leaning on, bringing his legs up to his chest. Why is it so hot? He rummages through his pocket to find his phone.

There's a message from Chuuya, cussing him out for one thing or another. He decides to send one last antagonising message to him before checking the time. 2:55. All he has to do is wait an excruciating five more minutes.

Two minutes tick by, and Dazai creates multiple theories about the principal. What if he's an alien sent to Earth from a planet where animals rule the world?? What if he's actually a rat specimen and reports to Fyodor every Tuesday afternoon? Two more minutes pass by. He's moved on to speculating if Kouyou and Midnight could fall in love if he set them up elaborately. At some bar, probably. With expensive drinks. Forbidden love! He sees it, if Midnight wouldn't mind a scary assassin as a girlfriend. Actually, Kouyou would probably have more of an issue with her. She's always on about separating 'darkness from light'. He gets the sentiment, but it's also kind of boring. Surprisingly, the last minute is spent doing nothing but going back to looking at the field.

In those few minutes, he's found that he's unfortunately the only one around. Everyone's most likely gone to change back into their uniforms. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Midoriya (not in his PE uniform) walk out of the changerooms. The towering hero near Dazai lights up at the sight of the student, walking swiftly to meet him.

Dazai dramatically jumps into a bush next to where All Might approaches Midoriya. He tries to imagine he's flinging himself off a building, but it just doesn't have the same allure. A branch pokes into the side of his ribs. He clenches his teeth, biting on his tongue to stop himself from violently snapping the branch. Dazai's hearing fails him as he is only able to make out a few words. Ones that include 'chat' and 'office'. By the way Midoriya is nodding, it seems that he's finally going to get some answers.

The two walk off together while they chat idly. For someone supposedly close to All Might, he seems so nervous around him. Midoriya has such a shy but excited smile on his face as if it's permanently sewn onto him. The blonde returns with a boisterous one. They both seem so oddly cozy with each other.

Dazai follows casually, walking past them to quickly grab his schoolbag from the classroom before turning back to his favourite place: The bathroom. Not just any bathroom. THE bathroom, the one he carries out his master plan in. He's tempted to decorate a stall and label it 'Dazai's evil lair. Beware!'. While it would be hilarious, he doesn't think some of the teachers would find it funny.

He walks into the room inconspicuously, double-checking for any lurking students before climbing the sink to retrieve his stolen goods from the vent. If they're even there. To his relief, they stand in the same position he left them. Dazai squishes aside all his belongings to make room for the large folders of paper. Wow, his bag is about to break open from all that space. Oh well. He can take the files out of the plastic bag after he gets out of school.

After leaning over for a bit too long, he finds himself tilting sideways until his balance is completely lost. Shielding himself as much as he can, he crashes to the floor with his bag landing straight on top of him. A few choice words come out of his mouth as he cusses out the ground. Who made bathroom tiles so hard, anyways? It's a safety hazard for poor clumsy people like Dazai.

If he wasn't as dedicated to his line of work as he was, he may have just given up on everything entirely. But no, he's taken a personal interest in it now! Everyone involved should be fearing for their lives right about now.