Learn to Love Again

One more secret...

"You're not serious? You can't be!" Luke almost came down the phone at her. "You can't leave him. He needs you more than ever now. What will this do to him?"

Jenny sighed and looked out the window at the gathering dusk. "He doesn't need me. This was all my fault in the first place. If Tom hadn't ... well you know the rest." she came and sat on the chair, staring into the middle distance.

"But Jen, look, JJ will go to pieces if you leave him. Tom's an idiot, I think we've established that. But JJ? Can you REALLY do this to him? He calls you MUM for Christ's sake. To him you ARE his Mum. He lost one already, then you came along. How many times in a lifetime do you think he wants to do that?"

"I know. I know." Jenny began to cry, "but Tom has no room for me any more and I need him to want me too. He blames me, I know he does. Deep down, he blames me for hurting his little boy. And rightly so." She dissolved into yet more tears. Standing, she went through to the kitchen to get some tissues. She didn't hear the front door open.

"I love Tom so much, I feel so bloody guilty all the bloody time. I don't know how to tell him I want to run and hide and never come out. I-I want to make it all go away." A crashing realisation overcame her, running wasn't the answer. "You're right though. Running isn't the answer. It won't take away the pain. I can't live with this guilt, Luke. Not any more."

"SIS.. don't you DARE go down that road. Don't you DARE!" he shouted now in a blind panic.

Jenny was crying so hard now, now the floodgates had opened. The horrible truth had made it's presence felt. "I-it's all too much. I c-can't Luke. I j-just can't. I want it all to g-go away. It was a mistake to c-call I-I'm sorry.... Luke, I-I love you, you're the b-best b-brother in the w-world." she hung up and collapsed onto the floor.

Opening up to Luke had made her admit the truth. She wasn't strong enough. She wasn't a tough cookie. She was weak and scared and desperately sorry. Running away to Germany wouldn't have solved anything. There was no place to hide. Nowhere to escape from this. She'd let JJ down, she'd let Tom down and she'd let herself down. There was no point. In anything.

Leaning against the kitchen cabinets, she sobbed. Her phone rang in her hand and she looked at it without answering. It was Luke. It went to voicemail and then immediately started to ring again. Still Luke. She looked at it, completely detached.

"No Luke, no, let me go." she whispered. Closing her eyes, she let herself succumb to the devastation ravaging her. She had nothing now. Nothing to carry on for. She'd spoiled everything.

The figure at the door behind her stood immobile, in shock. This? This was NOT what they had ever expected. Hands over their mouth, eyes filled with tears, they stood. There was only one thing to do. Go to her and comfort her like never before and NOW.

The phone rang again, but this time it was answered. Not by Jenny though. By the person who gently prised it from her hand.

"It's ok, I'm here Luke, she'll be ok. I promise. I heard everything. I'll call you back. Yes, I promise."

Jenny looked up to see a pale, tear stained face leaning over her. A pair of arms wrapped themselves around her and a body cocooned her as it sat next to her on the kitchen floor.

"Darling, I'm so sorry I let you down. In all this you needed me every bit as much as JJ. Please come home, OUR home. I can't do this without you my darling. You're my rock, my anchor, my friend and my love. Please don't do this, PLEASE don't leave us. We both love you so much. I love you, more than I've ever loved ANYONE. I mean it Jenny, ANYONE. I'm so sorry I never told you. I love you darling. Please stay, I love you. It's all going to be ok, I PROMISE." Tom buried his face in her neck and began to cry.

"Tom?" Jenny came out of her cloud of despair at the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. "You're really here? Oh Tom." they clung to each other in the little kitchen. The weeks of shame, guilt and tension finally ebbing away. Finally the truth was coming out. Truth they should have faced a long time ago. They washed it all away in a sea of tears.

They stayed there for hours, just holding each other, crying and talking. Eventually it was dark and they were both more stiff and sore than upset. Tom unfurled his long legs and stood, rubbing his back and stretching noisily. He held out his hands and helped her up. He looked at her, her eyes still blotchy and swollen from crying. But now, the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. To think he may have lost them for ever, that made him take a shuddering breath.

"You ok now?" he said quietly "Well, as ok as two broken people like us can be?"

"Yes" Jenny gave the tiniest smile and reached up to kiss him. "I am now. Let's go home. We have some packing to do I believe?" she wrapped her arm around his waist and he looked down at her in disbelief.

"You think I'm leaving you even for a minute?" he said "Absolutely not! Not going to happen. JJ will understand. I'll tell him you're not well, you need us both to stay." They walked to the front door and Jenny paused.

"No Tom, you're right, WE need to get away from here. WE need some space. You go tomorrow and I'll get a supply teacher organised. I can join you in a couple of days. It will be ok love, I'll have Diana here." she squeezed him tightly "And I have a few things I need to sort out with Luke, don't I?"

As they walked back to Tom's house, they could see the light on in JJ's bedroom. A small face appeared at the window to the sound of the gate opening. He waved and they waved back as they walked in.

Diana came to meet them at the door, "You're back. Good. That's so good." she hugged them both. "Now come away in, I have a pot of tea on the go and you can tell me as much or as little as you like, but just promise me you'll tell each other EVERYTHING from now on."

"Yes Mum" he said with a smile at Jenny. "We promise!"

As the three of them went into the kitchen to chat, a little voice at the top of the stairs called out,

"Mum? Can you read me a story?" Jenny turned and without missing a beat,

"Of course JJ!" she climbed the stairs and as she did so, realised just how much she had almost thrown away. Holding back the tears she grabbed him and hugged him tightly.

"Muuuum! Leggo I can't breathe!" he giggled and squirmed away. She followed him with a small laugh and closed the door behind them.

Tom turned to his Mum. "We almost lost her Mum, I almost lost her. Forever." he looked at her and his face told her everything. She took a breath, then said,

"But you didn't son, this time, there WAS something you could do and you did it." she stroked his hair off his face just like she had as a small child. "I'm so very proud of you. All of you."

Tom walked over to the table and sat down. "Before she comes down, I need to speak to you about something. Jen's not coming with us until maybe Monday or Tuesday. Will you stay here with her till then?"

"Of course son, try and stop me!" she smiled "Was that it? I would have done that without you asking Tom."

"No mum, that's just the start. There's something else, something important I need to ask you and it needs to be a secret between just you, me and JJ. It's like this...."