Learn to Love Again

The hardest word

"So you see I've been a complete fool."  She put down her fork and looked at him steadily. "I ruined everything. At the end of the school year, I'm going to look for another post. Another school. I can't face him, it's too much."

Jenny was his little sister and he loved her dearly, sometimes though, he could swing for her.  She was pretty - even he could see that - she was intelligent, she was caring and she was an excellent teacher. But she was a complete idiot when it came to her love life.  The fact she didn't have one for starters.

"And what about JJ? He'll be devastated if you leave. Another person he cares about deserting him? Way to go sis." He was being cruel to be kind though, he had to make her take a moment. Not to do anything rash.

"He's only a little boy,  in time, he'll forget all about me. Tom will find someone to love eventually and JJ will have a new mum and I won't matter.  And that's ok. He will never look back and say 'if only'. That's the prerogative of us so-called grown-ups. "

"Look," he said putting his cutlery down. "I get it. You fancy him. You and half the female population from what I've overheard - I watched episode 4 of The Night Manager too sis. I heard the ovaries bursting that night as he bared more than his soul!"

He laughed and despite herself, so did Jenny. "The thing you have to remember is that underneath it all, Tom's shit scared. The last time he went out on a limb, gave away his affection, look how it turned out.  I'm not talking about one-off dates or even whirlwind flings, I mean the 'day in day out part of my life till I can't live without' you type things. The 'she's seeing someone? Why can't she see me -I'm right here' type things." He looked at her and smiled.  "You see where I'm going with this?"

Jenny smiled and shook her head. "You know, for a big brother, you're ok ." She squinted, head on one side. "The fact remains though he won't let me in and it's killing me and it's now affecting how I see JJ. I've realised I don't want him to get attached to me and then when Tom finally finds someone..." she trailed off, the enormity of losing both of them hitting home again.

"You thought - hoped - it might somehow be you, didn't you, sis?" Luke was gentle and kind. Some things were just too sacred to tease about, even if she was your sister.

Jenny looked up at him and tearfully nodded "I love him, Luke. So very much." Her voice was small and sad. Luke said nothing for a minute then stood up and came round to her side of the table. He knelt down beside her.

"Both of them?" He drew her to him and she rested her forehead on his chest.

"Yes" was the muffled response. Luke just sighed. He would have to do something, and soon. This was in danger of going very wrong very quickly. 

Tom didn't go straight home. He waited till they left the park and then went and sat on the bench. Not for any creepy stalker reason, just to have a seat and space to think. Apologies were one thing but how could he watch her day in, day out, knowing she'd slipped through his tentative fingers?

It had taken him by surprise that she'd come to mean so much. They'd been good friends, they'd shared a mutual love of JJ and shaping him into the best version of himself and they'd bonded over a mutual appreciation of how hard life could be, even if you tried really hard.

Now, as the vision of her being kissed and held by another man floated in front of his eyes, he decided he had to take action. He decided he would leave. Leave Suffolk, live in London. Jamie could stay with his Granny Monday to Friday and Tom would see him at weekends. It was no worse than a million other families. He had school and Tom had work. The days would go by quickly and the weekends be extra special. Even if he came home, the chances were they'd never see each other. 

He still had to apologise though. He would do both on Monday he decided.  Apologise and reassure her he wasn't going to make life difficult for her. Wish her well with her new man and hope he didn't come across weird or creepy.

Mmm, he thought with a wry smile, maybe a bit late for that one.

Getting up he walked back to the supermarket and collected his car from the carpark. Driving home, he decided to take JJ to the cinema the following afternoon.  There was a new Marvel film out with Uncle Chris, they could escape into magic and monsters for the afternoon.  He kept his fingers crossed that Jamie wouldn't end up wanting a pair of giant screaming goats afterwards.

"Luuuuke?" She shouted upstairs the following morning "you up yet?"

"Whaaaaat" he yelled back

"Are you in the bathroom?"

"No."

"Well come HERE then!" She tutted loudly. Honestly, sometimes she wished SHE was adopted, just like Loki!

"What's so hellfire important you have to summon me like a spirit. Couldn't it have waited till I got up?" He scratched his head, his chest and various unmentionable parts of his anatomy as he walked into the kitchen.

"Well, I've bought us a couple of cinema tickets for this afternoon to see the new Thor film. Just as a thank you, for, you know..." she blushed faintly.

"Aww sis, you're the best. An idiot sometimes, not gonna lie, but the best.  Can I have popcorn too?" He grinned and she nodded.

"Yes Luke, you can have popcorn. Now get dressed! We'll need to leave soon, you've stayed in bed all morning you big dummy!"

As she waited for him, her mind wandered back to Tom and JJ. She looked at her laptop, open on the kitchen table. Luke may well be right, Tom may be scared to let anyone in but she wasn't the woman that would overcome that. He'd made that plain. Equally, she was no masochist.  Seeing him every day, knowing he was just out of reach? Nope. Not her style. 

The application was sent. She just had to wait it out.  See if the little school in Northumberland would think she belonged there. She certainly didn't feel she belonged here any more.