I don't blame you. I never did.

Part 40 - Thruths.

Y/n's pov

We've been sat in silence for about 20 minutes. I haven't even dared to look up at him. I don't want to see the look of disappointment most definitely resting on his face.

"Y/n-" Bucky starts to speak with a sigh. "Y/n look at me doll." I comply with what he asked as i slowly lift my head. I feel a single tear run down my cheek. "I'm sorry" I manage to breathe out.

"Why didn't you just talk to me doll? Why did you have to hide it? From all of us?" He asks me. I can tell he's hurt, I can't blame him I'd be hurt too. "Because-" I cut myself off with a sigh as I shake my head before bringing my knees up to my chest and placing my head in my hands. "Talk to me doll, please" Bucky pleads.

I turn my head so my eyes meet his, I bite my lip and lift my eyes to look at my top eyelashes as much as possible. I take a few shaky breaths before deciding to just tell him. "Because I don't deserve help Buck, I need to deal with this on my own." I express.

Buckys face grows confused. "Why don't you deserve help doll? What do you need to deal with?" He asks me calmly. "The nightmares, I deserve to have them. Instead of getting comforted when I have them I need to wake up alone and remember." I confess. "Remember what?" He asks me.

I realise now that there's no turning back. It's time he knew anyway. "I did shit Buck, back at hydra. And it was some pretty messed up shit." I limit the information I give him for now. "So did I y/n." Bucky counter argues. "I killed people." I state simply. "As did I. As did most people on this team!" He argues again.

"Not like I did." I admit not wanting to argue with him. "What do you mean?" His voice softens. I killed people. Children. Do you want to know why Buck? Do you want me to tell you what makes me so different to you guys?" I pause. I don't give him a chance to respond before I talk again. "I did it to prove that I could. I did it to make sure you didn't die for nothing!" I shout at him.

He looks at me stunned for a few seconds before talking again. "What?" Is all he manages to say. "After you so called died, they tortured me. And for years I just let them do it. I didn't even try to fight it. I let them hurt me day in and day out because I believed them when they told me it was my fault! It was my fault because I got too close to you!" I pause for a second to catch my breath.

I have tears streaming down my cheeks but I know I need to tell him. "Because I believe every word they said, it didn't take much for them to be able to brainwash me. But not like they did for you, they made me think that you started some stupid project. That you had your heart set on this damn idea. And in that fucked up state it made so much sense!" I let out a sarcastic laugh at how naive I was.

"They convinced my to finish your project. They said that if I didn't then you would have died for nothing. They said that at least this way I could honour your memory in a way that you would have wanted me to." I pause for a second my voice getting shaky.

"Y/n-" Bucky starts but I cut him off. "I killed innocent people. Innocent children because they convinced me that it's what you would have wanted. I told myself it was okay because you would have wanted it! I would do anything for you Bucky! Anything!" I shout.

I take a breath. "And I did. And it meant absolutely nothing." I say more calmly. "I-" Bucky tries talking again. "And then it turns out that you never died. You never started that god forsaken project. And it was all for nothing! Nothing! I killed them so you wouldn't die for nothing! But in the end they all died for nothing. I killed them all for nothing! And I convinced myself that it was all okay!"

"So yeah, everyone here has killed somebody, Bucky. Weather it be for 'the greater good' or under control but me?  I killed them for nothing. I did it, and got nothing in return. In the end I killed them just because. And I have to live with that. Not you. And it's fucking killing me." I finish with tears dripping down my face.

"Y/n I-" Bucky tries to start. "Don't" I cut him off before ripping the IVs from my arm that Bruce presumably put there and leaving the med bay.

I see Bruce on his was down to my med room, I'm guessing I triggered an alarm for him by taking the stuff off. "Y/n-" Bruce starts, I put a hand up towards him indicating that I don't want to talk. He seems to accept this as he doesn't talk and carries on walking away.

I get to the living room where I see everyone else. I keep my head down as I speed walk towards the door. I hear everyone stand up but I choose to ignore it.

"Y/n!" The one voice making me stop in my tracks. "Nat." I practically whisper. I turn my head ever so slightly, "I'm glad your okay." I say before rushing out of the door and up the stairs into my room. I shut the main door and go straight to the bathroom and lock the door.

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A/n : I'm sorry I've been so inactive! The story is still going on I've just been super busy! I've found out I'm pregnant so I've been super busy with that. But I will still be doing this story.
Thank you for being so patient.
Also, if I have already wrote this in a chapter somewhere please let me know I don't want to repeat chapters!
Have a great day guys!