I don't blame you. I never did.

Part 4 - I'm Sorry.

Bucky's pov

"Look I don't know what the fuck went on between you two. But I really need you to work past it. At least give it a go. If she rejects you or gets scared we won't push it. But please just try." Tony begs me.

"Fine!" I reply, rather snappy. "I'll try. But I'm telling you I'm the last person she wants to see." I pause for a minute before continuing. "And if she freaks out or shuts down. It's on you." I finish saying before walking off to the room y/n is staying in for the time being.

~~~

I get to y/n's door and I freeze for a few minutes before I can bring myself to go inside. I stand outside her door trying to compose myself and hope for the best. Even though I'm preparing myself for what hell she will give me. Quite frankly I can't blame her. Like I said to Steve and Tony, if she tries to kill me, I'm not going to stop her. I deserve whatever hell she wants to give me.

It takes me a few minutes before I bring myself to go inside. I slowly place my flesh hand on the door handle, my metal one carrying some food Tony made her before I left. I open her door and slowly walk in.

I briefly glance up at her not being able to bring myself to look at her, she still looks so beautiful, she's just sat staring out of the window. I let a small smile creep through before shaking it away. I walk over and set the plate of food down on the end of her bed and gently side it over to her, careful to not get too close.

I see her look at me out of the corner of her eye. I lift my head slightly focusing my eyes on her instead of the floor. I can't read her face, apparently she got good at hiding her emotions. I see her eyes dart all over my body as if she's expecting me to disappear. Tears filling her eyes, I can tell she's holding back tears. My eye sight is going blurry from tears of my own threatening to spill.

I quickly wipe away a tear I hadn't noticed escape my eyes. I stand still looking at her, desperately waiting for her to do something. Part of me hopes she attacks me or shouts at me.

I got lost in thought because before I knew it she was crawling over to the end of the bed. I watched a she knelt at the edge. She placed her hand on my cheek and wiped away yet another stray tear of mine.

"B-Bucky?" She somewhat questioned. I smiled at her the best I could, struggling to keep any tears from leaving.

I couldn't help myself I grabbed onto her arms and pulled her close to my chest. I don't know what I was thinking. I knew she was probably going to start hitting me or fight against me.

But she didn't. She just collapsed into my chest and started to cry I held her tighter and she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer to her. I couldn't stop myself from crying.

Y/n's pov

I heard the door creek open ever so carefully. My body naturally tensed but I told myself that it was just Tony bringing me some food like he said, so I continued to gaze out of the window.

He didn't say anything which I thought was a bit strange but I decided to ignore it. I felt something be slid across the bed I glanced over and saw a plate of food.

I looked over to the person who brought me the food and I realised it wasn't Tony. I semi froze when I saw that it was Bucky, I thought he was dead. How is this even possible. I couldn't stop the tears building up and my eyes ran tracks all over Bucky. I wasn't convinced he was real. Whatever mind game the avengers are playing is really fucked up.

I see him quickly wipe away a stray tear from his eye. He also seemed just as shocked as I was. I had so many questions running through my head.

I watched as another one of his tears escaped him. I found myself crawling over to the end of the bed until I was kneeling directly in front of him. I tilted my head slightly before I placed my hand on his cheek, I was partly surprised when my hand didn't go straight through him and he didn't disappear. Part of me was waiting to wake up. But I didn't, I moved my thumb across his cheek to catch the runaway tear.

Before I could register what was happening I was being pulled towards his chest. I hesitated for a moment before responding, still getting over the shock that Bucky, my Bucky, was still alive. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. I didn't want this moment to end. Even if this was a dream, this is where I want to stay. I felt safe for the first time in so long.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" I hear him say it came out as almost a whisper. I could hardly hear him over both our sobs. "Don't be sorry Buck. You've nothing to be sorry for".

I feel him pull me away from his chest, his hands still gripping my arms. I slightly whimper at the loss of his comfort. He was holding me away from him so we could see each other's faces. "I have everything to be sorry for y/n. Everything." He replies back to me.

"No you don't Bucky, I'm not stupid. Your not him. Not anymore" I say reassuringly. "It doesn't matter, they didn't order me, or him, to do any of that to you." He says matter-of-factly. "I don't blame you Bucky. I never did."  I say through tears.

I move away from him and slide across the bed back to my corner. He looks at me and I pat the empty spot on the bed next to me. He seemed to get the message because he started to make his way over to me and gently sat down next to me.

I grabbed the plate of food, which consisted of a sandwich and some fruit. I turned to face him, he reciprocated my movements so we were now facing each other. I picked up half the sandwich and gently pushed the other half over to him. He briefly looked at me and I nodded as confirmation, he took the other half of the sandwich.

I watched him as he took a bite. I, however, started looking through the layers of the sandwich for a pill, liquid or some form of drug. "They didn't put anything in there" he says as he glances up at me before continuing, "trust me, I was there when he made it." He reassured me. "Извините (sorry), it's a habit" I say as I put my sandwich back together and take a bite. "It's okay, don't apologise. I used to do it too." He says and I give him a small smile before continuing to eat my sandwich. He does the same.

We finish eating our sandwiches and the fruit in a comfortable silence. After we'd eaten we sat there in silence for a few minutes until Bucky spoke up, "so Tony said that you remember everything from hydra." I look up at him and nod. "Do you know why they allowed you to keep your memories?" He asks cautiously. "They didn't" I start, he looks a little confused so I decide to continue "they used to wipe my memory every time I woke up. Last time I woke up, I remembered everything. I waited for someone to come get me to take me to get it erased but no one came. That's when Tony found me." I finish saying, my Russian accent coming through . I try to hide it, it's the accent hydra gave me. Not something I want to keep. But I couldn't be bothered trying to hide it.

"Can you tell me what they did to you after I left?" Bucky asks. I break eye contact from Bucky and look down at the bed as I slowly shake my head. I think he could see the look on my face because he decided not to pry at the subject.

"I'm so sorry y/n" I glance up at him, slightly annoyed because I told him it's not his fault. He seemed to pick up on my annoyance because he quickly corrected himself "no I mean- I - they told me you were dead y/n. I swear if I'd known you were alive I never would have left you there." He pauses for a second before carrying on, "I don't know what they did to you after I left. I hope soon you'll be comfortable enough to tell me, but I really am sorry for what they did. And for abandoning you like that. I really did think you were dead. I'm so sorry doll, I should have come back, I should have checked." I cut him off by pulling him towards me and embracing him in a hug.

I pulled away and looked staring into his gorgeous icy blue eyes for a moment before speaking, "it's okay Buck, I thought you were dead too. I thought they killed you that's why you didn't come back."

"I've missed you doll"

"I've missed you too Мой солдат (my soldier)"

"I can ask Nat if she has some spare clothes you can borrow until we can get you some of your own if you'd like?" Bucky asks me.

I nod in response "thank you" I say before he starts to walk away. "Hey Bucky!" I shout after him before he can leave. "Yeah doll?" He asks as he turns back around to face me. "Am I allowed to get a shower? Please." I carefully ask him, still weary about doing something wrong. Stupid habits from hydra, I think to myself. "Yeah of course doll" he responds with a smile. He points  at a door attached to the room, "just through there there's a bathroom. I'll leave the clothes on your bed, ready for when you get out." "Thank you" I say as he walks away sharing a smile between us as he closes the door and leaves.