I don't blame you. I never did.

Part 37 - I Just Want A Break.

Buckys pov

She doesn't looks okay. She looks scared. I worry about her, I just need her to be okay. I care about her. I love her.

"Are you alright?" I ask her softly. She's sat on the passengers seat, leaning on the door. Her knees pressed up to her chest. "Yeah" she barely whispers. I lean forward, take off my hoodie and pass it to her. She smiles at me gratefully as she slowly takes the hoodie from me.

She puts the hoodie on leaving he hood up and pulling the sleeves over her hands, she looks adorable. I start to drive off slowly. I hover over her knee. "Can I?" I ask gently. She looks at me as her eyes well up with tears and nods slowly as permission. I plant my hand on her knee and softly stroke it.

We take it slow on the ride back, I give y/n occasional glances to check up on her. "I don't wanna go back" she blurts out, breaking the silence. Biting her bottom lip and looking at me worriedly, eyes filling with tears after she said it. "Where? The compound?" I ask confused. "No". She simply stated.

I close my eyes knowing exactly what she means. "Hydra?" I half ask, half state. She looks at me and slowly nods, I pull over the car and look at her. She starts breaking down in waterfalls of tears. I pull her close to me and lay her head on my lap and start stroking her hair.

"Your not going back there. Your safe here, with me." I tell her. "You don't get it." She says through desperate sobs. "Help me understand doll, please" I practically beg. "I go back there all the time. Every time I close my damn eyes. I think it's finally over and then I fall asleep. I wake up, panic, realise that I'm okay. And then rinse and repeat. I'm there all the time. I don't wanna sleep anymore. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I just want it to end Buck. I want all of it to just stop, for good. Please Bucky. Please just make it all stop." She cries.

My heart breaks for her, I understand. I know exactly what she's talking about. "I do get it doll. I do. I get nightmares, I don't want to scare you doll but they don't go away, they don't get easier. I hardly get mine anymore, when I'm with you I barely ever have them, but it took years. Your still gonna get the nightmares, but I promise, when you wake up, I'll be here to help you feel okay, I'll be here to make sure your safe. I won't let anything happen to you. I'm here for you no matter what. Your my doll and I love you." I kiss the top of her head and continue to stroke her hair.

She grips onto me tighter and sobs into my stomach. "I don't want to lose you again Bucky. I can't." She sobs. I can't think of anything to say to make her feel better. I pull her close to me and hold her tight, securely against me. I start to drive off again with a little more speed, y/n still clinging onto me.

We make it to the compound rather quickly. Y/n is still tightly held against my stomach. I sit in the car for about five minutes with her until she's ready. "Do you want to go inside?" I ask her softly. She slowly sits up and nods while wiping her face. I kiss her forehead before getting out of the car together.

As we get out and start walking to the compound, y/n comes up to me, I pull her closer and wrap my arms around her. I try to make her feel as safe as possible. She still has her hood up as we walk into the compound. I notice some of the team start walking over to us and I signal for them to leave her alone for now.

I take y/n up to my room and leaver her on my bed while I head into the bathroom to run her a much needed bath. I fill the bath with bubbles and even got her out a supernatural bath bomb that she found in some super weird voodoo shop, I don't know but she loves it and I want to cheer her up.

Soon enough the bath is ready and I go back into the bedroom to get her. Once she's in the bath I get up to leave and wait for her in the room. She's quick to grab my wrist as I stand up. I look down at her, "stay with me, please?" She asks. "Sure" I smile at her, earning her sweet little smile back.

"Will you get in with me?" She asks me sweetly. "Okay." I reply. I get undressed and place myself in the bath behind her. I wash her back for her and her hair. I find myself just playing with her hair in general, I know she likes it.

Once the water goes cold we decide it's time to get out, so we do. We get dry and head into the bedroom, I give her one of my oversized hoodies to snuggle in because I know she likes to. We make our way over to the bed and snuggle in together. I put supernatural on for her, using any effort to try and make her happy.

"You should try and get some sleep, I'll be here when you wake up. If you have a nightmare I'll be here to make sure your safe. Okay doll?" I assure her. "Okay" she agrees. "Night doll, I love you." "I love you too, Солдат."

Y/n's pov

Buckys is quick to fall asleep, I can't do it though. I just can't bring myself to sleep. I can't keep waking everyone up with nightmares, that's just not fair. And it's definitely not fair on Bucky, he has his own problems.

I get up out of Buckys bed, careful not to wake him and tiptoe over to my own room. I head for the bathroom since the bathroom floor is more like the floor I'm used to, I'm still not used to beds.

"Friday, is there anyway to soundproof the room?" I ask the A.I. "I can temporarily soundproof the bathroom. Would you like me to do it?" She responds. "Yes please." I tell her softly. She did as I asked and soundproofed my bathroom temporarily.

I curl up in the corner of the room, trying my best not to fall asleep. I just want a break, even if it mean missing sleep. I can survive without sleep, I'm not sure how much longer I can survive with the nightmares. The constant going back to hydra, I just can't.