Help//5sos ✔️

24.

soon the boys left the room so that i could talk with my mom.

"hey baby, how are you?" she asked softly.

"struggling. did bee say why?" i asked.

"well, she wrote a letter for you. if you want i can send it to you." mom spoke quietly.

"yes please." i mumbled.

soon enough a text came in with a letter.

"do you want me to stay on the line or do you want some space?" mom asked softly.

"space." i stated before hanging up.

i opened the text and began to read;

dear liyah,

i know i said it's your fault and i'm sorry. i was mad in the moment because i didn't want you to leave me. the truth is, i've been struggling for months. anorexia rules my life and it was beginning to rule yours too. i knew i was a bad influence, but i couldn't control my anorexia, so i tried to control yours. forgive me one day? i'm sorry for making you sick liyah. i'm sorry for the poppy and for causing your anorexia. without me, you wouldn't have been sick from either. i forgot you were allergic to poppies and decided to send you one because it was really pretty, like you. you have and always will be beautiful liyah. i'm sorry i led you down this path, i shouldn't have. i should have gotten help before my demons became so strong. they were eating me out from the inside at this point and i used you as an excuse to end it and i will never forgive myself for that. i love you liyah. recover for me. i'll always be with you.

~ bee

i set down my phone and felt my cheek to feel tears shooting down my face.

i missed her already.

i began ugly sobbing as i gripped my phone close to my chest.

a nurse came in when she heard me crying and immediately ran over and hugged me.

"i know, loss is hard honey." she whispered as she held me close to her.

"i want her back." i sobbed as i gripped onto her for dear life.

"i know baby." the nurse sighed.

"remember, she's always with you. no matter where you are, she's with you. look up at the stars and you will see her there." she added as she slowly drew herself away.

then nurse bent down to my level and stared at me directly in the eyes, "don't let this ruin you. i'm not saying to not grieve, of course you should, but don't let this be the reason you give up. make it the reason you recover and help others who need help recovering."

i gave her a short nod before whispering thank you.

she nodded softly and left the room.

maybe she was right. maybe i could recover and help more people recover. maybe that's what i needed to do.

i slowly stood up and walked over to calum's office.

i walked into the room and before he could even say anything i said, "i'm going to recover still. i'm going to grieve her death, but recover. i know it's hard, but i have to. i'm not going to let anorexia kill me." i spoke softly.

"liyah, i wasn't going to let it kill you either way." calum pointed out as he leaned back into his chair.

"promise you will help me and not leave me?" i whispered.

"i pinky promise i will help you and never ever leave you." calum replied as he held out his pinky.

i clasped mine with his and stood up and gave him a hug.

"step one to recover is wanting to recover." ashton spoke as he leaned against the door frame.

"it's going to be hard right?" i whispered.

"of course. recovery is never easy, but we aren't going to let you down without a huge push and fight for you." ashton replied as he walked into the room.

"you can do this liyah. it's hard, but people do recover." ashton smiled softly as he patted my arm as a way of support.

i stared at him blankly.

"that was so awkward. you just patted my arm like i was a dog." i spoke with a tiny smile.

"oh whatever, i didn't even mean it like that." ashton spoke with an eye roll.

"could've fooled me."