Chasing Rainbows ➳ Kellic

Chapter 36: Pain Pain Go Away

Trigger in this, sorry

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~Vic's POV~

I took the razer away from my wrist shakily, staring at what I'd done. Though, in the dark I couldn't see, I could feel the damage pulsing.

I sat alone in the dark, situated in the corner of my room. My curtains remained shut as did my door. No one's allowed in here.

I could feel the liquid on my arm, and found myself worrying about if it'll make a mess. But that should be the least of my problems; a stain that can be washed out. This will take a lot longer to disappear.

I knew it was bad, I knew it was bound to be the worst it's ever been. But did I regret it? I wasn't sure. But it worked.

The pain distracted me from my problems, and no longer could I remember why I had done it in the first place. It was working perfectly. Maybe I just couldn't remember from how light headed I was feeling, as if everything was a dream. But this was much too real to be a dream. I could only wish.

No matter how much I did want to fool myself though with this thinking, that name still appeared in my head along with the face it belongs to. I could try to trick myself forever why it's been done, but I couldn't cut him out of my life. Yet I still chose to lie to myself over and over again.

I'm fine. Really.

I can't believe that, why would I expect any one else to.

I'm okay.

Does it come off fake, false, a lie? I pray for it not to.

People don't need to know about this, I'll keep it to myself. He won't be here to see, so no worries there. Maybe it's good he's gone. Being alone means no one can see what I've done to myself.

No, don't think of him.

Those words led my hand into doing one swift swipe of my wrist, causing me to feel more of the liquid seep out. But by this point, that was all I could feel. There was no pain, I was feeling too numb for pain. This was the simple feeling of what was likely to stain my sleeves, not what would stain my arms.

I knew when I was out of this daze my arm would be hurting. There was no denying that. I knew I'd be having constant anxiety on trying to hide the damage. And I knew trying to hide it would hurt too. I thought last time was bad, but this is definitely worse.

I leant my head back against the wall trying to recollect my thoughts. My mind was all over the place. I couldn't think straight. My arms throbbed, I could feel the bleeding continue. I was scared to turn the light on to see what I'd done. The whole time I was silently crying. I don't think my family would even have a clue what was happening to me right now.

Everything's so broken.

I don't know why he wanted to break up, I just don't understand it. I don't know what he was talking about, he wasn't making sense. Doesn't he know what I meant by a break? What was his idea on it all?

Stop.

I thought I had, but again, my arm moved, pulling the metal alone what stood in its way. I knew this was a bad one. I lightly, very lightly, placed my hand over my wrist in an attempt to cool down the burning. I felt I had now made a mess of my hand also. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. But I need to.

I felt a buzzing on the ground beside me, my phone screen lighting up a moment later. His face was there was he tried to get in touch. A large smile showing the brightest teeth. I remember when it was took. I told him I needed a contact picture, but every time I tried to take one, he'd push the phone away, acting embarrassed, though I know he loves getting his photo taken. We were laughing happily, and eventually I got the perfect one through the laughter, though to me all of them were perfect.