MY JOURNEY HOME: 2022

Today,,,,She/Her

Who is she, she wonders because she can't figure that out. On Monday she could be convinced about something, but come Tuesday the same conviction gets swept away. How can she live like this? She lives between two extremes, who she thinks she is and wants to show up as, and who she is daily. These two people are different and she wonders, is she even any of them? Is she living a lie, does she lie to herself? These two extremes pull and push, and break she does.
She's alone, she has been and this scares her. This she knows is partially her fault, she knows not how to ask for help.
She has shame, it'd be futile to think she doesn't and it goes way deeper than she cares to admit.
It's ironic really, that she can manage to work on all other issues except this one. It is deep-rooted, it probably is the biggest predicament in her current situation. It's a shame that positivity and therapy have nothing on, this is personal and deep. It is her past, her family, her beginning, her soul, her duty, her burden, her purpose, her being, and her reason. If she could overcome this she would be free.
She does feel abandoned at times and so so alone. But how can others see what she doesn't show? Her pain is rooted in that shame and she does a good job of hiding it. She knows that God's with her and has always been, that he sees her and is touched by the feelings of her infirmities. But despite this, she still hurts. Maybe one day she'll overcome it, she hopes and believes, and she shows up even when she doesn't want to.
She is a wanderer, she has no home, or maybe her home is not of this world. Or maybe her home is with herself, one of the conflicting issues. She doesn't belong anywhere. How can she ever rest on what's not assured? She lives on borrowed time, that's her breaking point. She longs to just live for herself.
She does feel unappreciated, with energy that's not marched. Maybe it's not rational but she does feel like she gives her all and receives scraps in return. Maybe this is her fate who knows, she does have the strength to take it, but she wears off, she's left with nothing else to give. She shows up for a lot of people, but who shows up for her? She knows God does, has always done but a horizontal reciprocation would be nice.
If she was hungry today she'd have no one to call, if she was outside she'd sleep on the streets with no one to call. She's alone, only she can pull herself up.
She wants out of here, she wants another shot at life. She believes in herself a lot, it's why she struggles to take in today. She sees no fulfillment of her purpose in this, if she was to die today, what would it matter?
She knows God works all things for her good, she needs to hold on to that. The word assures her that God repays all the years eaten by locusts, He is a redeemer, her God is.
The now is hard, the now has taken a toll on her. The now is changing her, she knows not who she'll show up as from day to day. The now makes her small, the now makes her vibrations run low, and the now makes her question life despite all the knowledge she has. The now makes her feel left behind, the now needs to let her go.
She can't die, she can't faint. She prays for a way, so much is waiting for her. Her voice depends on it, her sisterhood depends on it. How can she have this burden in her heart if the now won't let go? How can she be a light to others if she has no light for herself?
The most difficult thing about it, she breaks on the inside, and nobody sees it. They all see a strong woman, they don't know what it takes to be her. Is she a fraud, is she a liar? How can she not show up as her strong self when that is the only version acceptable to her? The other fallen parts threaten to creep back, she prays to God she doesn't shrink back to that. She's not beyond going back to who she was, at her weakest point anything goes.
She deletes and blocks, this is her bigger self protecting her from her naive self. Just yesterday she was ready to text back her history. At those moments, she just wants to be ok, but ok is still far away.
She prays to God to keep her sane, to keep her till tomorrow. To keep her till she proves herself to herself. Only then can glory come forth, glory must come forth for all the suffering. Only glory can justify the pain, nothing short of that woman that she knows God intended her to be.
She's a daughter, a sister, a friend, an advocate, a voice, and a reason, she's this and more. She knows this all too well, she fears coz this is only possible when she overcomes the now.
She has faith despite the fear, and she smiles every chance she gets. She believes even when she can't, she wakes up even when she doesn't want to. She shares even when it's coming from an empty place, she does coz it's who she is, she lives to make this world shine a little brighter. Faith and not sight. She does because, despite everything, God still replenishes her. She's not sick, not in the hospital, she's not in the morgue, she's not in prison, she's not on the streets, she's not hungry. She woke up today, she knows that if all was done then God would take back His breath but He hasn't.
For this, she gives thanks to the Lord for He is good. She lives by His mercies and Grace. His compassion protects her, she is not good but He is. His righteousness covers her, she's wretched and is saved only by His Grace.