Sunday, yet a new week. It's one of those days that I struggle to stay afloat. That my mind won't let me be, but do I say. Those days that I want to just shut down and be by myself and stay away from everyone and allow the feelings to just come. Where everything above the surface blurs, where I struggle to get to myself.
I've been wondering today, why do I find it so hard to bridge the gap between what I know for sure and do that? Why do I give up easily?
I've been in low spirits today, maybe tomorrow I'll be alright. I want to just go, where though? The biggest dilemma is how I want to leave without a destination in mind. This is not new, I'm always leaving when things got hot, with nowhere to go. What kind of character defect is this? Why do other people persevere where I cannot?
I'm 27, not a kid anymore. A grown woman who has to make grown-up decisions. Time is not waiting for me, what can I say for myself about my accomplishments over the period I've had? Four years in Cairo Egypt, what did you do Lydia, what happened to you?
It's funny I could be living life one moment and feeling way down the next. The contrast is crazy. I could be feeling inspired and ready to take on the world in a day and be dejected, defeated, and ready to throw in the towel on the morrow.
It's July, the month has to count. I have all the motivation I need.
I read something today that got me thinking; maybe I rely mostly on motivation rather than discipline. There are elements of truth. Am I really disciplined? Why is everyone that I know able to do stuff that I find extremely hard?
I need to get so much stuff in order and nobody is coming to do it for me.
And like the song goes, I have nobody to blame if I fail this time.
It will pass I know. I have to hold on to what I know not what I feel.
I do feel trapped sometimes, but feelings again, can't be trusted.
And also, does weed calm me down, or am I stressed because I've not smoked? Is this an addiction, one would wonder?
I'd like to think of myself as above such, but I'm sensible enough to know that I am not beyond deceit, especially self-deceit.
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MY JOURNEY HOME: 2022
Non-FictionN/B God Centric Journaling my path home to myself, Navigating through the highs and the lows, Living each day as it comes, Being grateful, Being verbal, Trying to be rational and logical, Keeping my writer-self alive. God, truth, beauty, joy, happi...
