MY JOURNEY HOME: 2022

z. Where am at.

Just being. I don't wanna think, I don't want to feel, but be and push till the days are up. When are the days going to be up? I don't know about that, but I hope, pray, and push. The reason is idk what to think or feel. Deep down I'm nonchalant, indifferent. My energy for most things is none existing. It could be a coping mechanism for familiar cycles. Been there, done that, what's new? It could also be me coming to terms with how little control I have over most stuff and if I can't do much for a desirable outcome then the best I can do is just be.
I wasn't like this, I've come a long way. I'm still trying to figure out the person in the mirror. She's different for sure but one thing I know is I do and will always love her.
So many changes recently, so many faces, so many locations. To what do they amount? Idk yet, maybe later I will, in the meantime, I'll just be.
Other than God who's always with me, am alone and have always been. Maybe most people feel that way. I will be with myself for the rest of my life. I need to be ok.
I fancied myself above the societal system but am not. I get caught up thinking things should be in a certain way but then why should they? The only way to avoid being trapped in the system, which has not helped or included me anyway, is to decide and verify things myself without outside influence. To review situations personally. This has its downfall though, my opinion is informed by where I am mentally and emotionally at a given time and that could distort my perception. This leaves me with one option, to be who and what I need to be to myself, to be able to ascertain my motives. I'm not above deceit, oh how true that is. 
 I need to reign in my mind and rise above my emotions and environment. Easier said than done but it's a responsibility that I must undertake. This means that if a situation or an environment is negatively impacting me, then I must leave if I am to move forward.