MY JOURNEY HOME: 2022

Friday 26th Aug

Today was rough, I went through the motions. Felt like quitting, like cashing in everything and booking a ticket. Everything I've always felt flooded, nothing new. Feeling stuck, trapped, stranded, tired, exhausted, fed up. I was ready to just get out. The hardest part is, nothing is new. I've felt this for the last four years. It's a cycle that goes round and round.
I've been tired for a long time. Four years have flown by. I feel like am in the same place that I've always been. I want out, I can't keep going on like this. There's nothing else for me here, I could have found it by now. This makes me trip over, it makes me go back to an old version of myself. That girl is gone, she is not me. She fought her battles, but that's done, and continuing to be here threatens to undo all the inner work I've done.
It makes me question everything; God, my worth, my purpose, my meaning. It makes me feel small, like a failure, a joke, the only one left behind.
I know it's not rational but why am I here if I'm miserable? How can this be my purpose, how is this helping me grow?
Who is that brave woman that I catch glimpses of? Smart, intelligent, beautiful, about her business, knows her way, hardworking, creative, dreamer, hopeful, believer, Christian coz how can I be all that and be miserable for four years straight and still not able to pull myself out of it?
Four years is a long time. I'm not a victim but how can I not do what others can?
I can't dwell on the problems I need a solution asap. I need to be out of Egypt now.
I'm turning into somebody that I don't recognize. I used to be kinder, more hard-working, more empathetic, more giving, more graceful, and more energetic. I can't cry over the same issue for years and neither is complaining helping me. 
My biggest battle is that I can't reconcile the person I think I am and the situation I'm in. They're like day and night. They say your worth isn't tied to material things but we live in a material world.
I've been into places I thought I'd never be, done things that I have contempt for, met people I had no business meeting and been in situations that I don't care for, but isn't that what's behind me? Isn't that my story? The jigsaw that never fits? Who am I? What am I here to do?
Things have to change, there's only too much that I can take.
I've been in a dark place recently, that I thought was behind me. Turns out it's not that behind.
I'm not a kid anymore, I'm 27 soon to be 28. I know a lot too, I'm not to move with my feelings, this world is cold, it cares not. I have nobody coming to save or help me. I got me, Lydia will figure things out and turn them around. I have God, it's all I need.
So, after feeling them feelings, get up and press the necessary buttons. You got this, don't shrink back, don't fold, don't die. You need you and you are enough. You know this already. Hold tight, God's gonna pave a way soon. Keep going, keep holding on, keep showing up, keep waking up, keep close to God, and keep your heart open to His word. This is no time to grow deaf, the word saves, and the word is alive. You need every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.