clementine // joshler

14

tyler's point of view

"this is stupid," sydney says. she's sitting on the floor and doing some homework assignment at the coffee table.

"what is it for?" emily looks up from her laptop.

"history. i hate history. why do i need to know the exact date some old white guy died?"

"why do you need to know the exact date of anything?" i ask. "i mean, as long as you know, like, the year."

"tell that to miss white."

"miss white? what, is she like a clue character or something?"

"might as well be. her assignments are always worded so weird." sydney closes her notebook. "i need a brain break. let's talk."

"we've been talking this whole time, syd," emily giggles but closes her laptop nonetheless. "what do you want to talk about?"

"tyler."

i set my homework aside, bringing my knees up to my chest where i sit on the couch. i'd been waiting for the chance to bring this up. "well, i did get some new intel on mr. dun."

"spill. immediately."

"he confirmed he's bi, so there's that."

"i knew it! i knew that man wasn't straight," emily says, looking satisfied with herself. "my gaydar is always on point, i've been telling you guys."

"what else were you guys talking about? how did his sexuality even come up?" sydney asks, already more invested in this story than the homework she's been working on for the past hour.

"it was kind of weird. i went in to tell him emily was going to be out. then he was telling me he felt bad that his friend was asking about him, which was unnecessary because she's always so nice to me. anyway, it ended up with me telling him i was a manager, and that i was emancipated. he did that weird thing where he actually cares and it made me feel all... whatever."

i give them the whole story and then wait for their reactions.

"wow," is all emily says.

"tyler, that is a lot."

"not really." i try to shrug it off but i know it... kind of is.

"you guys had like, a whole bonding moment!" sydney reaches over and slaps my leg. "you dumbass, why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"i dunno." i shrug again, my cheeks a light pink now. "it didn't come up i guess?"

i'm thankful for the distraction when i hear my phone ding. i pick it up and i'm no longer thankful when i see that it's a text from theo.

theo: are we still on for dinner tomorrow? :)

"your only two friends are here. who's that?" sydney asks.

"theo," i answer, typing out a reply on my phone.

tyler: sounds good :)

"how's that going?" emily asks. i feel her look down at the message from where she sits next to me. "dinner tomorrow, huh?"

"ooo! so, do you like him?" sydney asks, now laying on her stomach on the floor. she's got her feet up and her head resting on her hands, the literal embodiment of the stereotypical gossiping teenage girl, blonde hair and all.

"yeah. i mean, he's nice. i'm trying to let myself be eighteen, you know? i've just never felt young so it's kind of hard to process," i answer honestly.

emily brings her arm up around my shoulders. "you had to grow up fast and figure your stuff out early. i think this is a good step for you."

"thanks, em. i just wish it was easier."

-

after school the next day, i come home and immediately get ready for my date with theo.

we end up having a nice dinner, despite how much overthinking i've been doing since this morning.

i just can't help but wondering what potential this relationship could have, if i could see a future with him. it makes me feel silly, to worry about that so young. but like emily said, i've lived my whole life thinking about how i can protect my future. it's hard to let go of that habit.

i try to force myself to stay in the present instead.

we're currently driving to his house to play video games and hang out for awhile.

its a nice house in a nice neighborhood, one i've never even seen before. there are four other cars in the driveway, which i assume are for his parents, younger brother, and older sister.

its all pretty intimidating and i feel my palms grow clammy as we park and get out of his car. he leads me inside and straight to his room, telling me his parents are probably in their home office and his siblings are probably in their rooms.

to have everyone under the same roof but never in the same room seems sad, but i guess i have no place to speak on family dynamics.

his room is huge, big enough to have a flatscreen tv, a small loveseat, a queen sized bed, a bookshelf, a dresser, and a desk.

i sit down on the loveseat and watch as he gets a game loaded. we play and talk for awhile. and it feels... normal. is this what it's like to have a normal family? so incredibly mundane that the time passes without notice? that footsteps in the hall are just as much part of the atmosphere as the ceiling fan instead of something to be feared? socked feet on carpet and no cracks in the bathroom mirror?

by the time we're getting back into his car to leave, i almost feel sad to watch the house disappear in the rearview.

back to my apartment, alone.

he walks me to my door and stops to lean against the wall while i unlock the door. "it was nice hanging out with you today."

"yeah, thank you. i had a good time." i get the door open but make no move to go inside just yet.

i know it's coming when he steps forward, his eyes gentle before they close and his lips careful as they touch mine.

and for my first kiss, it's nice, i guess. i have nothing to compare it to. i wonder if i'm supposed to feel something else, if the fireworks they talk about in movies and novels are real.

he pulls away after a moment and i wonder if he felt something i didn't. "ill text you, okay?"

"okay." i nod, offering him a small smile. "goodnight, theo."

"goodnight, tyler," he smiles back at me and then gets into his car and drives away.

when i'm inside, i lean against the door for a minute to collect myself.

i wish i would've felt something more, some sort of spark, anything. but maybe that really doesn't exist. this is just uncharted territory for me. i don't know how to feel.

i know sydney and emily mean well, but they'll never understand. they see themselves in the movies, everyone knows how they're supposed to feel, what love looks like for straight people. no worries, only a pop song playing as they hold hands in public and the sound of rain outside the window when they kiss and make up after a fight.

i, on the other hand, am still a mess.

(an: hello! happy monday! how was everyone's weekend? :D )