clementine // joshler

7

tyler's point of view

i wake up at around six in the morning to run to the bathroom, somehow managing to throw up for the eighth time despite having absolutely nothing left in my stomach.

i've told myself each of these eight times that i'll just go back to sleep and feel better when i wake up. i don't.

when i'm finally able to make it back to my bed, i sigh and grab my phone. i send a message the groupchat of managers at the restaurant to let them know i won't be able to come in. surely 11 hours is enough notice for one of them to pick up my shift.

next on the list is my groupchat with sydney and emily. i tell them i won't be coming today and smile a little at their responses.

emily: oh no! feel better honey !! let me know if you need anything and i can stop by after school <3

sydney: boo you whore

sydney: who's gonna throw away our trash at lunch now

i shake my head and move to the last group of people i need to contact. i open my school email and go down the list, asking each of my teachers if they would mind sending me what i can work on from home so i don't get behind. i decide to start on the book mr. dun assigned us while i wait. i might as well get ahead now, it'll be a while before any of them email me back anyways.

sometimes i wish i could live in a book, that i could have everything planned out for me instead of having to stress so much all the time. i think jenna might be right about me. i do have a tendency to put too much stress and pressure on myself. i'm always so busy trying to ignore my past and protect my future that living in the present is difficult. i should try to embrace my feelings, embarrassing or not. there's nothing wrong with feeling things. i guess this is just something i'll have to teach myself.

i try to lose myself in the pages in front of me instead of my own head, hoping that the nausea in my stomach will subside if i distract myself for long enough.

when the love interest of the story is introduced, i almost want to stop reading.

i do want that. i know i'm young, but i know what i want for myself, and being happy and in love with someone i can be with forever would be a really nice addition. sometimes i think my family issues are too deeply rooted for anyone to want to stay, or for me to let them even if they did. i hope i'm wrong.

i know that a teacher isn't the best place to start because nothing will come of it, but maybe something small and unattainable is good enough to at least help me ease into things.

my brain feels full and my stomach feels empty. i should probably eat, but i'm scared to even try. this is miserable.

i eventually think myself to sleep at some point, because i wake up from an unexpected nap to run to the bathroom a few hours later. when i'm finally able to leave the room, i make my way to the kitchen to at least attempt to eat a piece of toast. dry. bland. simple. i take my toast and a bottle of water to the couch and turn on the tv, hoping it will help me pass the time or at least lull me to sleep again so i don't have to be awake and in pain for longer than necessary.

i check my phone once i've finished my food, refreshing my email first. the only teacher who has emailed me back is mr. dun, who replied just twenty minutes after i emailed him.

tyler,

i hope you get to feeling better soon! i'll make sure to excuse your absence for today.

i don't have any slides prepared for class, so it might be easier if we could talk during your lunch period tomorrow (assuming you're well enough to come back by then). you won't be missing much but i find it harder to explain things with lengthy emails than face-to-face words.

let me know if that works for you. if not, we can always work something else out.

mr. dun

the idea of spending my lunch in mr. dun's classroom, one on one, seems intimidating, but also exciting. even the fact that he responded so quickly and over an hour before school was even meant to start makes me feel shy. imagining being alone in his classroom, sitting across from him at his desk, makes my cheeks burn.

i email him back to accept with nervous fingers nonetheless.

-

"you mean you're ditching us again?"

"i didn't ditch you yesterday, sydney. i was sick."

"ditcher." sydney pushes her empty starbucks cup towards me. "if you aren't going to be here to throw my lunch trash away again, the least you can do is take my breakfast trash."

"i could've helped you catch up, you know," emily adds. "then you could still eat with us."

"he wants to see his new boyfriend," sydney teases.

"oh, please." i roll my eyes but take her cup anyway.

after the bell rings and we leave the cafeteria, i head to my first class. my teachers all got around to emailing me at various points throughout the day yesterday, so i'm caught up in almost every class now. because of this, they all go by relatively quickly.

this leaves me standing in front of mr. dun's classroom door before i have the chance to prepare myself for such situation.

i knock twice, softly, and then step back, my book gripped tightly in my hands.

he opens it and offers me a warm smile. "tyler, hey. come sit."

(an: hello, awkward place to leave a chapter but the next one picks right up here. promise! happy halloween everyone!)