butterflies. | Ashtray X Fem

48.| who am i anymore.

48.|who am i anymore.

the ride was completely silent, but fez finally pulled in front of hayden's house. i sigh heavily knowing where this might lead me, but fuck it. i get out the car knowing i don't need to say bye to fez and ashtray he doesn't need a bye. i head for the door and i know fez isn't going to leave until i get inside. i knock on the door roughly and hayden comes to it.

"hey." i sigh. he looked horrible.

"yo." he stepped aside allowing me to walk in. so i do and he shuts the door behind us, thankfully the house is still clean. hayden grabs the hennessy bottle off the coffee table instantly taking a big gulp. i just stand there staring not really knowing what to do. he sits down on the couch and stares at the wall blankly.

"what happened..?" i needed to know because i didn't know what i was supporting.

"they found a tumor or something like that, and recommended surgery and of course she said yes to it." hayden said this with an anger in his voice.

"hayden you can't blame her, she wants to get better, for you if anyone. you know how your mom is, your her baby, she's going to put you over her anyday." i slowly make my way to the couch.

"well if she was fucking thinking about me she wouldn't leave me here alone, with no one in the house, leaving me to do nothing but fucking worry." hayden took another sip and i plopped down next to him. i stared at the wall now too.

"things are going to be okay. like seriously, people say that all the time but it's true, things do get better even if they get worse after." yeah i was speaking from experience.

"i don't want to talk about me." hayden placed the bottle down and looked down at his shaking leg. i looked over at him. he was clearly depressed.

"okay so what do you want to talk about" i knew he wanted to talk about me, but it wasn't just me, he wanted to know about, he wanted to know about  me and ashtray and trust me that isn't going to go well.

"you. how's life treating you?" hayden now leaned back staring at me, his head tilted the slightest.

"fine." i shrug, i didn't want to talk about me either.

"nice ring." hayden pointed at me and ashtrays promise ring, i didn't even notice i was still wearing it to this day, it meant nothing to me seriously. he didn't mean his promises. i slid it off my finger clenching onto it tightly.

"shit. you didn't have to do that to the kid." hayden smirked, deep down inside he liked that.

"he isn't shit. just like you." i teased staring at him now smiling.

"oh really?" hayden tackled me down onto the sofa, us both laughing as he hovered over me. i placed my hand on his neck as our smiles slowly faded away. he looked down at my lips which made me look down at his. i didn't want to use him as a distraction anymore, but at this point that's what he had became for me.

"hayden." i sighed looking into his eyes.

"oh come on caye, he isn't doing you any good apparently, let me help you, just for the few hours i got you, let me make you feel good." hayden placed one of his hands on the arm rest near my head giving himself some balance as he took his other hand and dragged it down my waist which had been bare due to my crop top, this sent shivers down my spine, not to long ago ashtray was trynna get his dick inside of me too so i didn't know how to feel.

"hayden. i hurt you once, i really don't want to do that to you again." i placed my other hand on the other side of his neck. the promises ring also touching his neck, i did t want to lose it, because to be honest.. i wanted to give it back to ash and see him hurt.

"why are you worried about that if im not." hayden's hand slowly slipped into my inner thighs as he squeezed on them gently. causing me to gasp just a tiny bit.

"because i care about you, even if you don't care about yourself." i looked down at his lips, i was so tempted.

"you need this dick, and you know it." hayden got closer to my lips as he slid my pants off. i gave in and crashed my lips into his, we began kissing passionately and he finally got my pants off. i began wrapping my legs along his waist as he pulled his sweats down. i didn't know if this was right but me and ashtray aren't together and at the end of the day he was just doing stuff with girls not to long ago. and right as i finished that thought hayden slid my panties to the side. and i froze, i couldn't.

"hayden no." i sighed into his mouth. he backed away from the kiss nodding.

"i know, you don't have to explain caye." hayden grabbed the bottle roughly and left going to his room. i sat there shocked and embarrassed, i had to leave, i couldn't be here anymore. i simply got off the couch gathering myself and placing the ring in my pocket, i knew what i had to do now. i quickly left the house and began heading to fez's.

*time skip to you entering the house.*

"damn, quick visit." fez didn't look up at me due to him counting the money in his machine.

"shit was awkward." i kick my shoes off and head for ashtrays room. when i walked in he had been on the game. i walked up to him, standing in front of the TV. he placed his controller on his lap and pulled off his headset.

"everything good ma?" ashtray asked looking at me concerned, don't have any sympathy caye.

"great actually, you know what ash, im doing so great to the point im going to give you this." i placed my hand in my pocket pulling out the ring and held it out to him. he stared at it, his eyes immediately showing how much pain he was in.

"caye.." ashtray sighed speaking softly. his eyes watering.

"take it, we're over and you know this." i tossed it into his lap.

"please don't fucking do this to me." ashtray quickly got off his chair walking towards me making me back into a corner.

"don't push it." i lift my head staring at him.

"no, no im gonna push it, because i though their was still hope in us and you just did this. i- what has gotten into you? this ain't the you i fell in love with." ashtray was just looking down at me, tears slipping out of his eyes smoothly.

"there is no me that you know anymore, it's your fucking fault she's gone." i began raising my voice.

"i fucking love you." ashtrays voice cracked a bit.

"i don't." i shook my head. i seriously did mean that.

"you don't mean that." ashtray had now been whispering.

"i do." i shoved him off of me heading for the door.

"i think you should get some rest." i shut the door behind me feeling so relieved. i did that.

A/N: don't know bout you but..caye ate that, xoxo-j.