Free to be

18

"You got chocolate." I point at Max's face and laugh as he rubs it, smearing it further across his cheek. "Come here." I wet a little serviette in the apple dunking bucket and dab his cheek so to take all the chocolate off his face.

"Tori, Lizzy wants to go to the jumping castles, why don't you take them?" Dad asks coming over and handing me five dollars to pay for them.

"I said I would wait for Mrs Rose here." I tell him looking around but I am yet to spot her.

"I will look out for her," He presses the money in my hand and sends us off. I think he wants me to jump out Lizzy's energy out before the end of the evening. She has had far too much sugar. I think Max is not far behind as they chase each other to the jumping castles. I watch them as they jump, they get ten minutes each before their time runs out and a little pink in the face I bring them back to the stall. Mrs Rose is there, chatting to my parents.

"Dad you should have called me, I would have brought them over sooner."I say in way of apology as Max launches himself at his mothers legs.

"No worries, I am glad I met your parents." Mrs Rose smiles down at Max "Did you gave a good time, sweetheart?"

"The best!" Max jumps up and down and Lizzy giggles.

"Max had a lot of chocolate!" She confesses and suddenly everyone is laughing because from her stained mouth it is clear she had a lot of chocolate.

"Thank you so much!" Mrs Rose says again , grabbing Ma's hand and waving a pie box in her hand "And thank you for this, I am sure Sienna will be happy for it, she has been miserable since she broke her hand, she is out of cheerleading and dance until it heals."

"Oh no," My mom frowns, she hates broken bones, hates hospitals. I think my mother dislikes a lot of things, but I am not sure whether that was because she has conviction or because she had a terrible childhood with a lot of trauma and it left its scars. "How did she manage that?"

"Oh her and her boyfriend were bowling and she slipped, landed funny." I am suddenly freezing as I shiver, realizing suspicions have been confirmed. Parker did that to her. Mrs Rose does not even seem to have a small suspicion. Suddenly I am very angry.

"Tori are you okay?" Dad asks frowning in my direction and I realize I must have been scowling at Mrs Rose so I shake myself out of it.

"Fine." I bite out turning slightly "I have to go." I do not wait for a reply, I don't even care that I am being rude I need to get out of there before I say something I will regret. I make it to the swings and sit on the icy metal, hanging my head. The secret is eating at my insides, gutting me and pulling me under this huge wave. I can't breath. I rub my chest and gasp. I really can't breath.

"Follow my breaths." Ethel is there, like always, like she was when I was younger. Her warm hands over my cold cheeks, guiding my eyes to look at her "breath with me, Tori." I follow her breaths, chest squeezing as I try to regulate the puffs of air out my mouth. I slump against her once I have gotten my breath back. "You haven't had a panic attack since you were 13."

"I -know." I breath out, clenching my hands and unclenching them. "A lot going on."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I don't know how."

She nods pulling me up and leading me to a stack of hay bales. we sit, watching the people mill around as I try regulate my heart beat. I feel exhausted my panic attacks always leave me feeling like I need to sleep. My eyes flutter but I force them open. I need to stay awake for later. There are hundreds of people milling around, big and small, I recognize some people from school but some I do not.

"Is this about Sienna Rose? Jenny told me you were friends with her, she didn't come to your party." I nod and she sighs nodding along with me as we watch some more people and I think she realises I am not going to say anything. "You like her, don't you."

"What? Of course I do, I wouldn't have invited her to my party if I didn't." I say panic reaching my chest as if it is a giant elastic squeezing all the air out.

"I mean like-like." She emphasizes "I know you Tori, you practically went deep red and bolted the minute Sienna's boyfriend was mentioned." I am quiet because she knows a lot but not everything.

"It is okay you know, I don't think our parents mind and honestly I didn't think you would mind."

"What?" That shocks me, she didn't think I would mind liking another girl? She thought about it?

She shrugs "Sometimes I was sure you knew but then you would shrug it off and I wouldn't say anything because I didn't think you were ready."

"What do you even mean by that?" I demand, wanting to know the clues I gave her but clearly missed.

"Remember Bernard's 21st?" I nod, I remember they had just started dating a few months before and he invited the whole family to some casual lunch. Neither of them are huge celebrators when it comes to birthdays. They both enjoy the lowkey things. "Well, Bernard had that cousin there, Emily." I nod remembering her, she was loud and boisterous, I thought she had super nice hair. I remember finding myself drawn to her the whole evening, I always thought it was because she was fun to be around, she made loud jokes and flickered her hair around casually. "Well, you saw her and I swear you eyes nearly popped out your head. It was hilarious."

"So you have known for years? Then how come I didn't?"

She shrugs and I sigh thinking I am going to have to reexamine all the interactions I thought were innocent from way back and analyze what they were to me. "You weren't ready."

She seems to know exactly what I am thinking "You think I am now?"

"You never know until you take the first step."

"I don't know what that is."

She leans over squeezing my hand "I think you are already there, after all you did just run away red faced from your crushes mom when she mentioned a boyfriend."

I let out a choked laugh and she grins "Want to walk around and find some cotton candy?"

"Hell yes!" She takes my and and drags me around as we try to find the best place to get our yearly cotton candy fix.

Maybe she is right, maybe I am taking a step into this new journey. Maybe it feeling messy and crazy and a little like loosing yourself will mean that I get to rediscover a better version of who I am.