What If Instead Of...

7 Vivian

Leo honked at me from inside his car at exactly 8.30 am.

All the time before that, I was in my room, afraid to disturb Aiden with my presence.

Due to worries, lack of sleep and lack of breakfast, my face has taken on an unhealthy look again, and black clothes further enhance the frightening effect.

Not knowing what hairstyle is considered appropriate in such situations, I just collect my hair in a ponytail.

My hands are shaking, so it doesn't work out neatly and I have to redo it several times, which makes me growl with displeasure – now, it seems, any little thing that gets out of control is annoying.

In fact, I know the answer is that I'm terribly nervous. I'm surrounded by fear, to the point of chills, to nausea. The only thing that helps not to give up is understanding that I need to support Aiden. I'm doing this for him.

My cheeks are feverishly flushed, and my hands are freezing cold.
I don't know how it can be combined, but it's clear that something is wrong.

When I hear the car horn and make sure, looking out the window, that it's Leo, I immediately grab my purse, which I actually don't really need, it's just to put the house key somewhere, and head for the stairs at a brisk pace.

Just the sight of the steps makes me dizzy.
Is this nightmarish madness going to be repeated over and over again?

I slow down and start to descend, holding tight to the railing.

Leo doesn't signal again, so there's no reason to be nervous that we're late.

Finally, going downstairs and heading to the door, I take a deep breath and go outside.

Still shaking hands make a simple task for me - locking with a key - a challenge.

When, after several unsuccessful attempts, I straighten up, raising my head and collecting my thoughts, someone's warm palm touches my icy one and releases the key from it.

"Let me help," Leo's voice is heard, and I direct a grateful look at him.
What a blessing he is with me now.

In the car, I realize that I don't know where we are going.

"And where will the ceremony take place?" I ask quietly.

"At Grace's flower shop. Aiden decided that many people know his grandmother by her activities, so it would be logical. And he also wanted her to be surrounded by a lot of flowers that she loved so much."

I involuntarily turn away, wanting to catch my eyes on something that can distract at least for a while.

On the sidewalk a little ahead of us is a girl with a ball as yellow as the Sun, next to her mother.

When we catch up with them, I see how joyfully they smile - their faces are illuminated with happiness.

At this moment, for the first time in my life, I catch myself thinking that my heart is enveloped by envy.

Yes, I envy them.

This is not evil black envy, when you want to deprive someone of the object of their happiness.
My envy is bright, wishing only good, but constantly asking "When is our turn? When will the shackles of sorrow and despair fall from us? When will we finally be able to live and not survive? When, going to bed, we will look forward to the moment of awakening, and not think, Well, here's another meaningless day, wanting to fall asleep again as soon as possible to find ourselves in the realm of dreams, where life is easier and better?"

This girl and her mother reminded me that life goes on.

It's so strange, as if two realities collided – I'm going to say goodbye to one life watching the triumph of the other.
The realization of the transience of human existence gives painfully to my heart, squeezes it in fear and uncertainty, makes me wonder why we appear on Earth at all.