What If Instead Of...

10 Aiden

Why didn't I find the right words right away?

Everything turned out so rude and ungrateful.

It must be due to my chronic lack of sleep resulting in an insane fatigue.

Now I'm standing outside the bathroom door where Vivian has locked herself in, listening to every rustle and every sob.

But suddenly the silence begins to hurt my ears.

The water is still running, but the girl can no longer be heard.

My chest is squeezed by an approaching uncontrollable panic.

What if she got so desperate that she did something to herself?

The door is rattling under my frantic blows, it's getting harder for me to breathe.

"Vivian, please answer me. Please."

I pull the handle again.

An idea to tear it up by the roots in order to free up an entrance for myself flashes through my head.

"Please don't harm yourself, just don't harm yourself."

I fall silent to listen again.

If there's no sign of life now, I'm going to break down the damn door.

Still the sound of running water and nothing else.

My heart is throbbing even in my temples.

I take more air into my lungs and grab the handle, planning to lean my whole body on its vertical surface.

At this very moment, the door slowly swings open and Vivian looks out from behind it, bewilderment written on her face.

Feeling incredibly relieved that my dark assumptions have not been confirmed, I pull her into my arms and close my eyes.

The girl shudders a little at my touch and freezes, without showing any response.

Probably, she has already managed to wean herself from me...

"Why did you say that?" she asks in a barely audible voice.

My chest is no longer heaving as it used to, but still heavy breathing gives out a remarkable anxiety on my side.

"About Grace?" I gently clarify.

"No, about causing harm."

I open my eyes and gently release her from my embrace.

There's no point in hiding anything anymore.

"I was afraid that you had done something to yourself, because I'm afraid of losing you."

Vivian looks up at me, but instead of the usual understanding and tenderness, indignation is read in her eyes.

"Well, it doesn't look like it," she says bitterly and heads towards her room.

The door slams right in my face, and I barely have time to hold it.

"What's all this about?"

"What's all this about? You've been ignoring me all these days, barely talking to me, hardly looking in my direction, as if you don't care what happens to me at all, and now you suddenly care about my life and feelings again?" Vivian exclaims emotionally.

"I've always cared about it. I was just trying not to put pressure on you, to give you more freedom and personal space..."

The girl interrupts my speech before she has finished listening.