The Pearl Of Great Price

Chapter 27: Unbelievable

After Christmas, everything seemed to amp up to the end of January trip to visit His Majesty. That brought stress to everyone, especially Mary. She talked over with Charles her anxieties, and they are many. He's her best friend, caretaker, warrior, lover, and husband. She should be able to share these things with him. If not, then what's the point of having a relationship? Because if she doesn't tell him and they don't talk about these things, everything they built will start to fade.

But if they have loving, open communication with each other combined with active listening, then their relationship will continue to thrive. This is hard for Mary because growing up with a king and queen as parents taught her that people use your words against you. People also use your feelings against you. You're taught to be perfect, and she isn't perfect. Although perfection seems rooted inside her, it's hard to dig out.

All the anxiety issues started manifesting when her father sent her away to Ludlow and kept her there. That castle, and the time spent at it, really did a number on Mary's mental and emotional health. While banished, she had many thoughts running through her head. Some of the loudest ones were: Was I not princess enough? Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? Did I not behave as I ought? Was I not good enough? Was I not enough? And ultimately, she found the answer to be yes.

For what other reason could there be? With that came feelings of being awkward and ugly because shouldn't she have been married by now? Mary's self-esteem truly took significant hits. So in her messed up, mixed-up self, she adopted habits of perfection. Those habits started forming in the palace at a young age. But they really became a huge thing in the castle at Ludlow. And once you develop habits that are so entrenched in your being, it's a fierce beast to get rid of.

Those habits are her dragons. Like from the tales of old, especially Gavin the Good and the Dreadful Dragon (her favorite as a child). Then there are the romantic stories of how the knights slay the dragons to win their lady love. All set in the time when dragons were said to be real. Most people believe dragons aren't real, but she knows that's a lie because dragons are alive. They live inside her and are her deepest fears, horrible habits, mind messages, and fiercest enemies. They guard those precious treasures. Except they aren't precious at all. They're evil.

The funny thing is, in those tales, the dragons are slain. They lay defeated. It gives hope and courage, those tales of bravery. In real life, real dragons are formidable foes to vanquish. It becomes easier to lull them into silence than it does to overcome them. Which is what Mary's been doing, singing them to sleep with politeness. Now that she has a life worth living and people worth fighting for, like her husband and her babies, she supposes it's time to try to beat them once and for all.

The Duchess told her husband about this a few days before Christmas. He begged her, literally, to trust him with her good and her bad. Then Charles told her about his own deep-rooted fears. Ultimately he fears not being loyal, not being faithful, and hurting her unintentionally. To which Mary reminded him he's done a great job so far. "You're very loyal, faithful, and kind to me. I feel hurt for those women who aren't married to a man like you. It makes me love you all the more," she told him.

And Charles let her know that for all the deep-seated hurt she's been through, "Darling, you're doing a great job of opening yourself up to me. I see you. All the shades of you now. I know you more than I've known any woman. And I love you. All of you, every part and especially your heart."

Ever since they wed, the Duke has been getting to know his wife--- to understand her and how she thinks. He's been learning her because it's important to him. Now he has become a master at dealing with his wife and her anxiety. He realized early on that because she's an overthinker, her mind creates rabbit holes for rabbit holes, and she analyzes each of them. So he has to be very direct in his words.