All or nothing

Chapter Nineteen

Finally

Saina's

HANIEL had been a little sad these past few days. Napapansin ko iyon kahit na parang pinipilit niyang h'wag ipakita sa akin. He smiles, he talks, he tells me things about school pero may isa akong napansin, he doesn't talk about Joshua anymore. He used to tell me all the things that him and Joshua did all day at school, pero ngayon, wala siyang binabanggit. He talks about their other friends, he talks about his activities but as of this week, there's no Joshua involved. Tinanong ko rin si Uriel kung nakikita niya bang naglalaro ang dalawa pero tulad ng hinala ko ay walang kaalam – alam ang tatay sa nagaganap.

Haniel is extra quiet these days too. Tahimik na bata ang anak ko. pero may times na talagang madaldal siya, pero ngayon, nakikita ko siyang nakatingin lang sa malayo, o kaya man ay nagbubuntong – hininga.

I smiled at myself while I was watching my son answer his assignment. I took a leave from work and I requested that I won't be contacted at all this week. Kapag kasi may mga creative discussions o kung anumang desisyong gusto ni Rai ang opinyon ko ay bigla – bigla siyang tatawag, kaya nagbilin akong pabayaan muna akong mag – isa buong linggong ito. I need to rearrange my priorities. Si Haniel pa rin ang number 1 ko, number 2 used to be myself, but when Gerry happened, nawala sa linya ang huwisyo ko. I got so comfortable and I thought that things will be better, that this time, iba na ang ending nito, pero sa ganoon pa rin napunta.

"Love, do you want some pizza for dinner?" Tanong ko kay Haniel. Noon lang siya tumingin sa akin. Pinilit niya lang ngumiti.

"Anything is fine, Mom." Wika niya. It doesn't settle with me. Paborito ni Haniel ang pizza. He grew up in Italy and the first struggle I met as his mom when we came back here in the Philippies is finding an authethic Italian pizza. Wala akong nahanap agad, but I found this place and Haniel loved it. Iyon ang balak kong ipakain sa kanya ngayon pero wala siya sa mood. I sighed. Sinamahan ko na siya sa sahig, hinawakan ko ang kamay niya tapos ay tiningnan siya nang mata sa mata.

"Anak, you can tell me what's happening. You're not okay and Mom is not happy seeing you like this. What's wrong anak?"

"Joshua and I aren't talking." It was almost a whisper. Napabuntong – hininga ako. "He didn't go to school on Monday and I was really worried, he was absent too on Tuesday and on Wednesday, he went to school but he's angry with me because he said that you and Uncle Gerry broke up because you don't love his dad..."

Hindi ako nagsasalita. Nakatingin lang ako kay Haniel. He really looked upset.

"Is that true, Mommy? You don't love Uncle Gerry? But I saw you kissing. Tita Avery and Daddy always kiss and they love each other, even Lolo Popsi and Lola Momsi, also si Mamita Mara and Papa Gabriel, they all love each other but why if you do it with Uncle Gerry, you don't love him? Sabi ni Joshua, ganoon daw ang sabi ng Tito Alberto niya, na hindi mo mahal si Uncle Gerry kaya hindi na kayo magkasama. Kaya hindi na rin kami friends, kasi sinaktan mo ang Papa niya, Nagalit ako, Mommy kasi sabi ni Joshua salbahe ka pero hindi naman totoo iyon.

Hindi ko alam kung anong sinabi ni Gerry sa mga kapatid niya para dumating sila sa konklusyon na hindi ko siya mahal. Malinaw at klaro kong binitiwan sa kanya noong huli kaming nag – usap nang araw na iyon na mahal ko siya, iyon nga lang mas pinipili ko ang sarili ko dahil sa tagal nang panahong ginugol ko para muli akong mabuo. Ayokong masaktan, ayokong maulit ang nangyari noon sa akin. Naiintindihan kong palaging mauuna sa kanya ang anak niya, that's his son, and that's one of the reasons why I fell for him too, because we understand each other, may mga anak kaming dalawa and we have this agreement that we will always put our kids first. Alam kong tulad ko kay Haniel ay ayaw niyang masasaktan rin si Joshua. I ruffled my son's hair.