All or nothing

Chapter Seventeen

I hate it

Saina's

ANG SAKIT. Hindi ako mapakali. I know that I might be at a stupid level as of now, but I waited for him. I waited and waited until I realized that it's three in the morning and that the food, I left for him got cold. I reheated it a few times with the silent hope that while waiting for the microwave to finish, someone would punch the door's code and then he'll just show up, with that warm smile he always shows me, with his arms spread wide, waiting for me to come to him so he'll envelope me inside his protective embrace.

I sat on the dining area, staring at my phone, trying so hard not to fucking cry. It's not happening to me again. Not when I just got myself back. For the last years, I tried gaining back the things that I lost, I tried building myself up, I tried convincing myself that this is good, that letting another person in my life, would do me good, but this is happening again. I sighed and stood up. I checked my phone, looking at the messages that I had sent him. It remained unread. Kung ano – anong pumapasok sa isipan ko ngayon.

Where are they? Are they in a hotel, entangled in each other's body, fucking? Are they both moaning each other's name? He told me that he is willing to try this with me, that this is what he wanted, but what is he doing with her?

Hindi ko na kinaya. I stood up, pacing back and forth the dining area. In my mind, they were fucking and I am hating myself every second of it. Nanginginig ang buong katawn ko hanggang sa natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong tumatakbo papunta sa balcont. I don't need this kind of thinking. I don't need this kind of life. I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. I need to stay sane, may dalawang batang kailangan kong asikasuhin mamayang umaga. Kailangan makita nila akong maayos. Hindi nila dapat malaman kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan ko.

I didn't have any ounce of sleep. Kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko maipahinga ang utak ko. At seven in the morning, I called Uriel to ask him to take the kids to school. Pumayag naman siya. Matapos kaming mag – usap ay nagluto na ako ng almusal at baon ng mga bata. Inihand ko na rin ang uniform nilang dalawa. They are the same size kaya ipinasuot ko muna kay Joshua ang mga uniform ni Haniel. When everything was ready, I went to their room and woke them up. Mukhang gulat na gulat si Joshua na narito pa rin siya sa bahay namin hanggang ngayon.

"Mommy, nasaan po si Papa?" He asked in such an innocent tone that I couldn't help but caress his pretty face.

"Nabusy lang siguro si Papa, but I'm sure he'll pick you up later."

"Hindi po ba siya ang maghahatid sa akin sa school?" I shook my head.

"For now, iyong Daddy muna ni Hanhan ang maghahatid sa inyong dalawa. Your dad, I;m sure he'll take you later." I kissed his forehead. "Mag – ayos ka na. Si Haniel, malapit nang matapos maligo. After you're done, you come out of the kitchen and we'll eat and then we will wait for Haniel's dad, okay? You can call Uriel Tito if you want too." Ngumiti si Joshua, pero halata sa mga mata niyang nakakaramdam siya ng lungkot. I sighed. Niyakap ko muna siya bago ko siya hinayaang magpunta sa bathroom. Lumabas naman si Haniel at nagbihis na rin. Napabuntong – hininga na lang ako at lumabas ng silid ng anak ko. I busied myself with the food, siyang dating naman ni Uriel.

"You look like shit." Iyon ang una niyang sinabi sa akin. I sighed.

"Wala akong tulog." Matipid na wika ko.

"Why? What happened?" Takang – takang tanong niya. I curled my hands into fists and looked at him.

"Wasn't I enough? Why did you cheat on me?"

"Saina... I... I only did that kapag nag – aaway tayo." Mahinang wika niya. Halatang nagulat siya. I looked at Uriel. Kahit kailan ay hindi ko siya tinanong noon. But I wanted to know.