Step Into the Light

Chapter 47

January 1, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's been too long. I usually can't go this long without journaling. I guess I'm just happier than I've ever been. As I sit in my childhood bedroom and write in this I can look at my book shelf and see so many of my other journals. Some filled with shitty teen angst and some filled with actual real life problems that no teenage girl or anyone should go through. However, all of those feelings, experiences, people, and memories led me to where I am now. And I know for a fact that I wouldn't be where I am now without it happening. So would I change it? For some reason I've actually been thinking about this. I met Harry because of my cafe job in L.A., without moving and getting that job I wouldn't have met the love of my life. But I wouldn't have moved if Nate didn't do what he did to me. I know I haven't brought up our tumultuous relationship in a while, but I saw him on Christmas Eve. My family always has friends over on the occasion and after all, he's a family friend. To this day my family thinks it was just a mutual breakup. My brother William went as far to call the Nate and my relationship "right person wrong time". I've never spoken of our real story except for to Josh and Emma. And at that I hardly gave any detail. I really just went straight for the point. Well... I guess I didn't even really tell Josh at all. I only told him a little. Emma is the only one who knows what actually went down. I guess the reason I'm writing right now, is to get out everything I've pent up. New year new me. When I see Harry next, I want to be baggage free. I told Emma my plan to write down the whole story hoping to have a cathartic experience, and she told me that she hopes it works. I do too. I also asked her if she thought it would. She said she thinks it will help. Then she asked if I would tell Harry... And it's not that I don't trust him, because I do. It's more because, I'm ashamed of what I let happen.

Nate and I started dating when we were just turning sixteen. I had known him since I was three, but we really didn't hang out much until high school started. I developed a crush on him a little after we started becoming good friends and vice-versa. Once we got together he changed. He joined a band. Something I thought to be a harmless decision at the time. What could be wrong with a high school band? It sounds like fun right? The first few weeks were fun. He would ask me to go to small gigs to see him sing and would ask me for help when writing songs. He knew about my deep love for music. And what I wanted to do someday. He and his band had a gig one night. The gig was bigger than any one they had ever done. It was a school dance. The whole school would hear them. They put on a decent show too. The last song they played was one I wrote for them. It was a love song. It should've been a warning sign for me that Nate wasn't even in my brain as I was writing it. I was imagining someone else. I didn't know who,just someone else. My prince charming if you will. The song was called Wildflowers. He called my name and asked me to sing it with him. I of course said yes and ran up there having no fear in me. He gave me a quick intro and talked about how I wrote the song we were about to sing. He started it and then I joined in. No one in school had really heard me sing. But once they did, they cheered. They cheered so loud. Louder than they ever did for Nate. There were so many claps and "woo-hoos". It made me feel so giddy. And once the song was over everyone wanted me to keep going. They wanted me to do an encore. But they weren't asking Nate for one. It seemed that they enjoyed me more. That's when things changed. The once sweet, funny, kind, and encouraging Nate faded away. As soon as we were leaving the school that I night and I was about to tell him thank you and about how happy I was... He told me words that cut deeper than a knife at the time.

"You looked stupid up there"

I laughed because I thought he was joking. But he was serious. He said my voice sounded like shit. He told me words and phrases from the song that I should change. He told me I would've been better off standing still than dancing the way I was.